12 years
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It’s now been 4 months since I broke up with my ex. I couldn’t handle the problems that were starting to manifest in our relationship. I got scared knowing that he would always depend on me for his happiness, I wasn’t ready for that, I couldn’t handle that, I wasn’t going to handle that. I’m not going to go into immense detail but overall, I’m so conflicted. Every time I see him in the hallways at school, my mind feels like a ball of scribbles just all mangled and intertwined with each other. I hate seeing him. I avoid him. I wish we could have tried to be friends again but everyone knows that’s pretty hard to do with an ex in general… Every time, every g******* time, I see him I want to run away in the other direction. It s**** because I still find him attractive. It s**** because my best friend has become closer with him so I can’t talk to her about anything involving him, ever, anymore. I’m tired of even hearing his name. My head has been consumed by his existence and I can’t find any peace. We had a terrible breakup so it’s also because of that… He said some things to me after we broke up I just can’t seem to forget or forgive. Which is why I’m probably stuck in this rotting hell-hole scenario right now and can’t seem to find a way out. I just wish I could go one day without seeing him in the hallways, one day without seeing him appear in my thoughts, and just one g******* day where I don’t have to hear this bloody name….

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .