Trigger warning (s***** assault)

My older brother s******* harassed me when I was a kid, on many many occasions. and one time, he even tried to r*** me. But I was too tight and screamed that it was painful and he stopped. I resent him so much now that I’m older. And I resent myself more. I resent the “sister” part of me that remembers some of the good times we had as siblings, like watching movies and stuff. I hate him so much to the point I get headaches when I see him. Everyone thinks of him as a good guy. I wish I can tell them the truth, but I can’t. I’m doing okay with my life, but the pain will forever live with me. I will never forgive him.