The one thought on my mind right now that I can’t get out is, “Nobody could hate me more than I hate myself.” Which is true. I know myself best. I know all my faults and flaws, and I hate every single one of them. I hate the things that I CAN do right, because the things I can do right either f*** me over or f*** someone else over. I feel like I can’t do anything right. When I tell people I forgot, I’m not lying. I really forget things. But I get held in such low esteem, (for good reason), that it’s always assumed to be a lie. So yes, I forgot… but it doesn’t matter. Or, I tried. You can do better, they say. I. Tried. My positive efforts are blown aside, unimportant and insignificant. But, as always, the things I do wrong are noticed first. It’s human nature. Right now, whoever can read this will go either, “She’s being a drama queen on purpose, trying to manipulate people.” or “She’s actually fucked up, she needs to see a counselor.” You can chose. Before I cared, I’d hope for the second one. At least there’s a little concern there. Now, I really don’t care. Because in the end, it doesn’t matter. In the end, it’s still me that is the problem. Yeah, the woes and angst of a teenager. She’ll grow out of it when she grows up. Really? Act like an adult? Be mature? Can I have a social life first, maybe stop getting punished for the insignificant things? May I please be treated like my age? Can you stop suffocating me and making me actually believe all this? I can’t tell if what I’m saying is the truth or if you made me believe this. But I do. But that’s all unimportant, because I’m a teen. Read the sarcasm there, people. I’m a human being too. But because everyone says teens act this way because of hormones or whatever, then everything gets blown off and pushed aside. Is it just an excuse to not deal with us any longer? Are you tired of us, only wanting to pay us attention when we do anything and everything like a good child should? I’m so tired of this. I hate myself because I wish I could be ignorant, because I’m not. Ignorance really is bliss. It’s so, so cowardly to wish for that, but I do. Because all this drama, pain, these headaches, aren’t worth it. I wish I could be ignorant and do as you please, be the good child, get good grades and be the kid people can stand to be around. But I can’t, and it s**** all the more. I wish that, if I couldn’t be ignorant, that I could have no emotions. Yes, I do realize that it is impossible to really be human without them, but I wish for that at least so I could just… breathe. If I didn’t have these emotions in my head, telling me that I don’t deserve it, then I would do as told and everyone would be happy. I don’t do this on purpose. I love you. I’m sorry that I’m this way. I hate me too.