12 years
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I miss the man I had called mine for so long. But I am happy he’s happy at the same time. I am jelouse of the new girl though. She is so perfect and is great for him. I feel as if I wasn’t ever good enough. I’m full of a pain that never goes away no mater how hard I try. I keep getting lied to and keep having my feelings messed with. I don’t know how this will stop. I miss talking to someone all day. Having someone to be there for me when I need him, someone who’s constantly telling me how beautiful I am or how much he loves me. Saying sweet things, acting interested in my life. And just I miss that But most of all I miss knowing that someone cares enough for me that they’d do anything for me. I don’t want to only be the person people go to. I want to have someone be there for me once in a while. Someone who is not going to judge me for me. Someone who will love and cherish everything and the young woman I am. I just miss this. I feel as though it is very self centered. I am trying to look past that for now. I want to be loved again. To be appreciated. I want a sign that the pain and grief I am feeling will go away. I want a sign.

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .