My heart hurts because I met my wife when we were young, and after we’d been together for a while she got sick 🙁 like really really sick, and she couldn’t move without being in pain and she got stuck in television for years and became bitter
and we’ve been through counseling and everything and lots of things are better now.. but I’m scared that I just took on too much damage when she was bitter, because when she was bitter she was harsh and terrible and I knew she was “in there, somewhere” and so i waited. after I saw that she would not do counseling, and that if i left her she would just use it to be sadder (oh why did he leave me when i needed him the most, when my life was at its lowest, is that what a marriage vow means) and so yes I stayed, to be that good man. yes i did god dammit
and so now i just feel like a wounded animal even after counseling and everything, like i’ve been beaten one too many times because when she was sick and bitter, she was awful. just awful.
and she’s pregnant now and god i miss s**. i miss feeling like someone’s lover. i just want someone who actually wants me, like… like WANTS me. i want to feel wanted. i miss long long s** and head and giving head. i want to be wanted without physical pain getting in her way and making her snap back to reality; i want s** where you forget, not where you remember.
i mean s***, i’m practically to the point where i don’t even think women even like s**. not just her, i mean like just any of you. and i know better — but i don’t FEEL better.
and i can’t talk about it because i can’t seem like one of those guys. one of “those” guys. besides i’m totally boring now anyway, i work because she can’t and so yes i come home tired and self-interested, i mean i spend time with her and i like going out when she can and doing stuff when she can when she is not in that pain that the doctor’s can’t tell us what it is. but yes if I work 11 hour shifts then yes I need to come home and unwind a certain way, while i still can, before the baby and no one gets to unwind like they want anymore.
and i just feel totally selfish for hurting and i can’t even bring myself to feel like i’m justified and i don’t even know if these emotions are fair of me to even feel. like i should just shut up and work more and come home and work more, work on whatever she needs, forfeit my life to her and our new family, because that’s what good men do right? so i guess i’m not that good man. i don’t even know. i just miss being touched and miss feeling like a man and i don’t even know, i’m sorry