I have no clue why am I even writing this, probably I want just to be heard once as it’s been long time since I have been bottling up my emotions and I don’t the I cannot hide it anymore. I cannot sleep anymore, I want to feel something warm like a hug from someone who not only hears but listen and understand you as well. My relationships doesn’t last long. At first I thought maybe I just need a change of place a new set of environment will help and I went for my studies in a different state. Things did work out for a while but eventually as it is said that history repeat itself, well it was not exactly history but it was me who repeated his own mistakes. I would say I am a pathological liar and I have built my life around the set of lies and it is maybe because of that people initially like me a lot and soon they get to see the true my true colors, well not entirely but over time they do get a glimpse of it. Imagine this, as soon as the college started I was not one of the popular kids but the most popular kid. I was eccentric, enthusiastic, very lovable and hyper. This was because people really liked hearing about all the fictional awesome/stupid things I did. I have this ability of exaggerating things, Let’s say if do something crazy like run past a traffic light, a very common thing to do, but the story which people would hear is that I ran past a traffic light and how I was chased by cops and I had to hide my vehicle from them and how they almost caught me or even some action movie s*** like that. The fucked up part is initially they believe because it is not just them I have fooled, I have fooled almost, f*** see I am lying over here as well, I have fooled everyone I every met. My personality is based on a lie, No I am not some cool guy who does stupid/crazy stuffs, have s** with a lot of women. Inside I am just a loner who wants to die so badly. Everyday, every f****** moment I think about killing myself. Hanging, cutting, drowning, falling, electrocuting, you name them, f****** name them, I have imagined doing every f****** of those things. But now you ask me, why do I stop, well you might call me cowards, hypocrite or even a person who lies in his confession. I am a p************, I know that and I don’t need anyone else to tell me that. But, I stop because of my parents, my dog and this f****** thing called hope. I hope that everything will be better. I hope that tomorrow is going to be better. I hope I would for once in my life break this foundation of lies and be truthful to people for once. I have this complex, that everyone must like me, talk to me, be friends with, everyone. I feel sad when some people I hanged out with do not invite me to their parties and to chase those people I leave what I already have. Let’s say If I am talking to some girl at a party and we’re engrossed in conversation, I would look around to see what my friends are doing and who are they talking to. So, X (sorry I can’t name him) is talking this girl, I must also talk to this girl and I leave what I already have for someone who doesn’t even know me it is maybe because of this I don’t know how to interact with people anymore, because these days I just want to left alone and my brain always remind me that I am a p************ who just end things but as I already told you that this word hope is a b****. Why the f*** did the jar which pandora opened had hope in it. You know I believe of all the sickness and death which came out of the jar, hope was the vilest of them. People thing hope is nice and it is good and humanity would collapse without it but come on who are we kidding it hope which destroys humanity. I hope I can get away from this crime. I hope tomorrow I won’t be molested at the gym. Yeah, here’s is one more confession to s*** up, and I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist but one thing I know, this where my demise started. I got molested not once but countless times when I was 12 and it went till I turned 15. Yeah, I haven’t told this to anyone, even the person I though I will marry. I think it’s a black spot on my entire personality. Nothing really happens when you live in such a s***** country. Our judicial system is a f****** joke. The reason why I am such a f****** p************. I used to cry when I used to come home and sometimes it was so hard to contain tears that I randomly just burst at times. In my school, in my home, at movie theatre, while just going for a walk. That’s the reason I hate crowds I have this innate fear. If I see people laughing beside me I think they are laughing about me, look at this fat guy, just f****** look at him, for your information I am slightly overweight and by this I mean that my bmi is 25.1. But I was a huge fatass back in school and got bullied and molested because of that. I should have stopped them, everyday I wish I could just create a time machine and tell my younger self that you don’t need to be afraid of those people because if you piss your pants now, your entire life the stain remains, No matter how hard you scrub and how long you shower that stain will be there till the day you f****** die. At first, when I was writing this confession, I thought I would just tell a bit about myself and go back to my life which I already told is full of misery but I think I wouldn’t get this opportunity ever. My finger are not just stopping, I have to sleep, I haven’t slept in a while. Maybe because I have a lot to unload, I am sorry if you are reading this might take some time out of your life and I won’t be selfish at all and would tell you to continue reading this but it would mean a lot to me if you read this. and Why?? Why do you think it would mean a lot to me it is because even if one of you reads this, it’s going to be there in your mind for a while and I want you to help that person who shows just even a bit of signs I have of depression. I want you to go to them and ask them how are you and of course I know that answer is going to yeah I am good, yesss I am fine or I am doing great but now put a calm smile and hug them and ask them how are you really ?? they are going to feel a bit weirded out but this is not enough to break them but trust me look into that person eyes and just ask them this question once more and tell them ‘ I understand that sometimes it’s okay not to be good, fine, great’. As you would have guessed it I want someone in my life to say this to me. I went to party today, I was feeling sad because there is a girl I kind of like and I was really looking forward to a thing with her but according to my lies people around me think I am in a relationship which obviously a lie (I have never been a relationship), I have kissed girls a lot of them to be honest but that’s the most I have ever done and I am in my early 20s and I got first kiss now or more like kisses. Now you ask me that who is this person I wanted to marry, yeah it was some girl I really liked uh huh huh nah nah It is someone who I really love, I wanted to move slow, she was interested in her a lot but you know I am too scared of being embarrassed and have a fear of rejection so that is why I never approached her in an intimate way. We grew close, closer than people in relationships but yet we were not even in one. I told myself that I would confess my feelings for her as soon as our studies end which was 1 and a half years early. I would say falling in love with her was pure miracle or a coincidence. We have been classmates for more than 1 year before I started to develop feelings for her and during this first year I used to call her my sister. Very intelligent of me to do that. So, one day were doing substances and everyone was out as cold, next day there was this other girl (Let’s call her Y) who I really wanted to f*** but you know the dilemma I even called her as my sister before I wanted to f*** her. Let me say, she was not particularly hot but one day I saw her dance and then I just wanted to f*** the brains out of her. So now this Y made out with one my friends and I was so f****** angry and jealous and I did everything in my power to make sure these guys do not have friends anymore and that they suffer. This also involved making up things and to paint an image of the guy as f****** molester and of the girl as a prostitute. Yeah, I am ashamed of that as well should not have done, ruining 2 people of a good life, and eventually they remained friendless for a while and I felt a bit content and later a p************. I have thought of telling the guy about this a lot of times but at the end of the day it has been ages and by ages I mean literal ages since that thing happened. We are not even remotely in touch. So, anyways the next morning after doing the substances, I talked to this girl for a while and I developed so intense feelings for her unlike any other I ever had. I started spending time with her, and we kind of got into a relationship, where you completely unmask yourself in front of the other person but never made love. She liked me initially but later it was me who was desperate for her, so f****** desperate for her. In the end it ended when I get to hear her detailed s***** encounter. It would have been fine if would have said ‘ yeah, I fucked someone’, but those details they ruined me, they literally obliterated me. I couldn’t breathe and it hurt the pressure in my chest was pumping so hard. This hurt even worse than drowning, because you move and prance around, it is same when a fish is out on land but here I was defenseless, how the f*** should I stop my heart from pumping and aching so hardly, should call someone, all I want is to scream but why are tears rolling down eyes and why please tell me god even though I am an atheist why please tell why does it hurt so bad, I did not break a bone or even got burnt then why does it hurt so much. After that, I moved to a different place but still I am attached to that moment, I am still attached to her and this is the girl I tell everyone that I am in a toxic relationship with which is not entirely false because I still miss her. I did the same thing when I moved to a different state to do my studies. The truth is I want to talk to people and get to know them better and get in a relationship but it is me who has problem, the girls I like I get bored out of them or they f*** someone else. The girls that like me, I flirt with them and also get bored out of them. I have this thing, I am not a good small conversation maker, and I cannot flirt with random girls I see at bars because number 1, fear of rejection and number 2, they are so young mentally, even though I am in my early twenties and usually I hang out with people who are 2-3 years older than me. I feel everyone is so young and immature. I hate their conversation, at first I thought I was really bad at making conversations but later I realized that people are just so f****** dumb. I am not calling myself a scientist or a genius but I feel people are just so f****** stupid but at the same time I have to be a part of them. I don’t know why?? I really hate when other people have fun, they go out because I want to experience that. The way their face light up, the way the laugh at stupid things, yeah it just kills me. I expect a lot from people I do good to but at the same time I expect a stab in the back. Well, I believe If I am spilling all the beans then why to leave some for later in the can. (Oh btw, I am the class clown, the one everyone thinks is care-free, happy go lucky, I was actually happy go lucky until someone grabbed my a** and put their hands on my privates) One day in my class my idiot teacher decides that I am making too much noise and that’s why I should change seats and I didn’t want to change my seats because I knew everyone around we used to joke around and I thought we were good friends and that’s why my desk partner was my friend who is a lil shy. I introduced him to the people around and it was going good until our teacher decided that one of us has to leave that particular bench. So one day I was on some random duty which our schools assigns and voila I am told that there was poll. A poll for what I wondered, so our teacher asked 20 people around us who should be seated on that particular bench. I wouldn’t say by how much but it was me who has to shift to a new bench. Some people might say this is nothing and let me tell you it was everything for me. She robbed of a childhood I wish had, but she was oblivious to it. My teacher didn’t know that every night one her students had to deal with some major s*** and those few moments in the class with those people helped to keep him occupied and stay from the horrors which awaited him. I always wonder who should I blame, my teacher or the people around, she just showed me their true nature but I still wish a sweet lie is better than those harsh truths for me at that age. Something similar happened to me when I was a bit young. Basically my best friend got stolen. Same story, shy guy I introduced ended up taking my few moments of escape from reality. I used to say life was cruel to everyone in its own way but at the stage of my life I feel it has been crueler towards me. Everyone has demons, the fight them and make their life by avoiding them on the other hand those demons orchestrated my life. All the betrayals I have had from good friends. All the calls I have been expecting, all the love which was left undue and not reciprocated. I have been abusing alcohol and other drugs and people have been just casually telling me that ‘you shouldn’t drink that much’ not because they care it is because it’s a custom to pretend to be nice and I f****** hate that but who am I to complain. I am a pathological liar who wants everyone to like him, at this point I think I left myself somewhere back in time and now my lies are personality and I am living my life. I have created fictional memories of both past and present. Once someone told me that I blacked out and told them how much I love my girlfriend and how she is an important part of my life. (But I never had a girlfriend) But why do I have memories of us in bed and some other memories I know which are definitely fictional. I think I should seek help but I am too embarrassed to do it. Maybe this is the first step or maybe it’s both the first and last. Who knows guys. Here’s my full confession and I must say something, it does feel good to let out, but it would feel a bit better if I can just hug someone and cry my heart out.
Signing out