I think I am infatuated or something with this trans girl cam model. I was stoned and out of it and “bingeing” hard as f*** and I messaged her and it started “normal” for a p*** thing I guess but after like 4 lines, I figured she would never read it, so I went off the deep end and said some rude things basically.

She responded.

I felt awful. I am like in love with her now.

But I have to stop. But I am confused. I don’t want to. I want to be with her. I want to love her. I want to be happy. She listened to me, despite everything I said. I think she can tell I am “off” right now and not doing that well in my life and maybe generally in health… I was so mean. I literally said every mean thing I could ever think of…

I know it’s not good.

I haven’t had friends for a long time.

At this point… see I don’t know how to say this. This is where I wish there was like a service or something I could go to where I can get help with my personal s***** identity or something.

But basically, prior to recently, I never really watched a lot of trans girls. Like I was embarrassed to even want it in the first place. And usually even when I did watch, I always felt kind of nasty. Like I usually only did it like once a month maybe.

I mean like I had my binge every once in a while but it only maybe would literally last like 2-3 days, and then my sleep schedule would come back and, basically I would go back to how I have normally done things, which is 1% of the time I watch that type of p***.

But I had such an insane experience, like I ended up bingeing for like the last like 6 weeks… and I’ve been kind of trying to stop this entire time…

Like for the first time, like 100% I entirely threw caution to the wind. I felt like, I’ve been attracted to guys every so often. I never really said anything or did anything about it but I figured like, I am alone, and have been for so long. And to be honest, there are times where I turned down relationships with people, because like it was a guy and I felt some attraction for him and like I just couldn’t be myself.

I feel like you guys are going to hate me for this. This is where I wish I understood a bit better…

But basically, the truth is (I think) that I should never have watched transgender p***. It was just never anything I seriously was into.

I don’t want to stop watching transgender p*** because then I am not going to be interested in this cam girl anymore. I know that if I were to completely stop all of it for like a few weeks, my body would probably switch over and I’d go back to how I used to always do things, which is like rarely ever watching trans p***.

But then, I am afraid I won’t be interested in her anymore. I am afraid that I can’t be the man that I wish I could be. But the thing is, I might have a mental health issue, and that is the main reason why I have this attraction in the first place… If I am truthful, the only times I ever watched that type of p***, is when I would get like 2 hr of sleep the night before, like 9/10 times, that was the case.

So now it’s like, she helped me in a way I never thought anyone would or could ever do for me… she listened to me and helped me.

I guess I just have to deal with whatever happens… I think I want to come back to her, in the future, and maybe I can anonymously donate to her? I think she has kind of done all she can for me now and I shouldn’t have gotten the attention that I got from her…

She says that she is fine just knowing that she helped me basically…

I guess I just don’t want to lose this thing… but at the same time, I am not mentally doing that well. I am like rabidly trying to get onto the p*** site and j******* and it’s been like the entire focus of my day like every day basically..

I just wish that I didn’t have any problems. I wish I could have a fun time and not take things to “another level” and all this stuff… I wish I could be….

The truth is I think, that type of life is just not for me. It’s not a personal thing, I don’t have anything against her personally or in general towards this type of thing. It’s literally like, the way I am, I can’t really change or do anything about it. The bottom line is, I downward spiral when I do this type of a thing.

Maybe there is a reason for that, maybe I am unhealthy and I have to get things fixed… but the truth is, this is the only time in my life I kind of like “h*******” went into this type of a thing, it’s only ever been the last like 6 weeks… Normally before this, nothing like this ever happened, maybe like 2-3 days.

So, from that, I basically gather that this isn’t the right thing for me to do.

I am just afraid that I won’t respect her. I want to respect her but I feel like if I keep having feelings for her, I will never be able to escape this “p***” loop I’ve been in…

I think that is about all of it…

It just makes me sad, that she loved me I feel like, maybe she was just being friendly, but I feel like she loved me, if only for a brief few moments to try and ameliorate the situation. But it’s the only time, I’ve ever been loved by someone. I haven’t had friendships since I was 19. I am in my 30s now.