Okay, this one is long, and I’m sorry about that. I picked this site, “to spill”, because it has the easiest format to navigate and it offers the most anonymity. So…I really haven’t had the best of luck with girls. I’ve always been kind of a social retard. Now that I am in college I can look back in hindsight and see that some of the girls were interested in me, I was just never able to talk to them. So I can speculate that it’s not my looks. I met a girl at a party just before graduation and we slept together. While we were together I asked her if I was good looking and she said I was “okay”. I asked her to rate me on a scale from one to ten and she said seven. Then she continued to say, “stop interrupting, your very f*ckable; but your b*tchiness is a turn off.” She was my first. She asked me to stay the night, so I became optimistic, but then she made me leave her apartment in the morning, without exchanging names or numbers or anything.

So off I went to college, a local college of course, I am not really an overachiever or overly intelligent. So I live in my parents’ house while I go to college. Anyways, there is this neighbor across the back fence of our house, I would guess she’s about thirty, she stays home with her kids during the day. She is reasonably attractive and she caught me staring at her, in her garden, while I studied at my window one day. She just smiled and I returned the smile. She eventually started to invite me over to help her with things and then one day she asked if I wanted to “mess around”; and…I took her up on the offer. She would make me sneak in through the window after that, while her kids were napping so no one would see me come in. I felt sooooo stupid but the lust would catch me up and I would continue.
So one day she tells me that a friend of hers has been trying to have a child for a number of years and that her friend and friend’s husband had been tested and the result was that he could get her friend pregnant but it was not very likely. She then offered me $3000 to impregnate her friend. I responded by saying, “I am already sleeping with a married woman, now you want me to be a prostitute?” She then explained that I wasn’t being paid for the s**, I was being paid for the sperm. I was starting to fall for this woman and it seemed like her explanation was very rational. She did it in such a way that I felt like she really cared. She even added, “after you are done, it can be just you and I again.” So I met her friend every other day for a month and a half until she was pregnant. She then offered me legal papers that stated I had received payment for my services and that I relinquished all paternal responsibilities and rights. And that if I revealed my paternity of the child I would be in breach of contract and open to suit. I signed of course, I felt very guilty, but I signed. So I continued the relationship with my neighbor, until one day she told me that she had fun and all but it was time to take care of her family and we had to break it off. I was clearly upset so she added that she would always love me and I should cherish our relationship by keeping it to myself.
A few years later I was at a neighborhood community event and her friend just happened to be there, with her daughter! The little girl was beautiful, I subtly passed them and gave the little girl a smile and a little hidden wave. Her mother saw it and snatched her up. She gave me a terrible look, as if I were some kind of p******** and she rushed out of the event. I felt awful… I have two and some years of school left and I don’t really do that well. I keep in shape, and I think I am good looking, yet I can’t meet anyone to have anything of my own. I am a tutor by profession and whenever a pretty girl comes in for a session I am very robotic in any conversation I give. And…! I ache to be that father of that little girl. I wish I wouldn’t have signed her away. I just really hate being me; the only relationships I’ve had are the one night girl, the neighbor, and the sperm donation. I just hate being me.