When I was 11, I slept over at my Nan’s house without my brother, just me because I loved my nana and spending time with her. At the time my cousin Matt* was living there because he’d been in my Nan’s care since he was a baby. (*different name so he doesn’t find out) I also remember that he was in high school and he’d just broken his knuckles from punching a wall or something at school.
It was late at night and I couldn’t sleep and I heard the door creak open and he came into the room and crawled into the double bed with me (I was sleeping in my cousin Jane’s* bed because she was away that night) I remember feeling really confused because I didn’t understand why he had gotten into the bed with me. (*also different name)
He then whispered into my ear asking me whether he could touch my breasts. I kept saying no, but he did it anyway. I remember feeling his disgusting chubby fingers groping around my n******. I felt disgusting, like I was weak and useless, I should’ve done something, I should’ve pushed him away but I knew I couldn’t do anything, he was far heavier and far stronger than me.
He then kept asking me if I knew what a v***** looked like and whether he could touch mine so that “when he got a girlfriend he knew what to do” I refused and refused and tried to divert his attention to the lovely scarf my cousin had hanging by her bed but he kept persisting. I said no and kept refusing because I knew that it was wrong and I eventually said that if he touched me again I would scream out for nana and I would punch his broken hand and eventually he left, but before that he threatened me, saying that if I ever told anyone, he would personally hunt me down and slit my throat and I was scared that he would.
I was so scared and I felt so dirty and disgusted with myself.
I started to hate my cousin and I never looked at him or gave him the time of day and I felt like I withdrew into myself as a couple of years later I started high school, I never told anyone and I blocked it from my mind so the only thing I really remember is him touching my breast and me trying to make him go away. I don’t remember whether he touched my v***** or not and I’m scared that he did.
A few years after I started high school I told my boyfriend at the time about and I think he thought that I was making up stories for attention. I tried to tell my current boyfriend about it and he did believe me, but he didn’t want to hear about it because it’s a disgusting thing and it made him angry but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I want him to be reprimanded for being possibly the root to a lot of my depression issues later in high school. I want him to pay for making 11 year old me so scared.
I’ve never told my parents, I don’t actually remember if I’ve told them but I’m pretty sure I didn’t otherwise I’m sure he’d be in jail.
I think I never told them because I thought it was my fault. I thought if I hadn’t let him touch me, if I had have called out for my nana, it would have never happened. I’m scared to tell my parents because I know he’ll deny it and they might not believe me because they know I hate him. They don’t know why I hate him though. I was scared at the time that if I told my parents, he would find me and slit my throat just like he said and I didn’t want to die, I was only 11. I’m scared that if he does get reprimanded for it now, almost 9 years later, he will find me and he’ll hurt me.
At some point in high school when my brother and I were walking to the shop with Matt, I remember him turning to me and pressing a shuriken to my neck, an actual sharp, steel shuriken. I was so scared I just stood there and he laughed saying “you’re not so tough now are you?” And my brother did nothing. He just stood in silence and then we continued walking like nothing had happened.
Because of that I am really really scared that he will fulfill his statement of hurting me, so I think I will keep this a secret and never tell my parents, nor my brother, nor my nana. I told my boyfriend because I knew he’d forget about and wouldn’t do anything, so I hope he never meets Matt and remembers what I told him.