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pressed other because it fits into multiple things. trigger warning for disordered eating, for self harm, for abuse, and thank you for reading this.

i am spiraling. i have been for the past month, since quitting my job. i feel as if i have no purpose, and i feel as if i am rotting and wasting away. i don’t see a future for myself, and while i do feel happy with my friends it’s very brief. it’s almost immediately replaced by feelings of worthlessness, feelings of anger and shame. living at home is very bad for me. it makes me feel worthless, i don’t contribute to anything, i’m just in my room all the time because that’s my only safe space. i’ve gotten back into watching eating disorder videos and overeating myself. purposefully triggering myself and then punishing myself. i feel like god is punishing me for being gay again. punishing me for having queer friends, punishing me for wanting closer friendships and relationships with queer people. i self harmed for the first time in a few years yesterday and i’ve been thinking about it ever since. i know it’s going to happen again. i’m having bad dreams about my friendships and i just know it’s only a matter of time until i f*** up and i’m alone again.

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I have to admit that I love to flash my c*** to adult women, of any age actually. I flash my c*** in my car, on webcams or in hotel windows overlooking parking lots or beaches like in Florida. My c*** is slightly larger than “average” but certainly not huge. Two women have told me that my c*** is really hard. I believe that several women have seen me though none have reported me and that’s a good thing.

One time in Florida I was laying on the lounge with my c*** surreptiously sticking out the side. Across the deck was a beautiful black haired lady in a bikini. She had really b*******. She was wearing sunglasses and getting some sun. Her lounge was slightly elevated but I couldn’t tell if her eyes were open. If they were she would have seen my c*** which of course was really exciting me. We were like that for about 15 minutes when another lady approached her and said something. She sat up, raised her glasses and took a clear look at me. She then lowered her glasses and resumed her position. She didn’t do or say anything. The only thing she did was bend her knee blocking my view between her legs. I didn’t trust the other lady so I left right away. That lady really took it in stride. I often wonder if she was offended, neutral or excited.

One night I was cruising with my c*** in my hand looking for a flashing opportunity. Up ahead was a girl hitchiking. She was wearing a loose dress from what I could see in the headlights and she was perfect. I decided to offer her a ride with my c*** out. If she got in, great and if she did not that was cool. I pulled up beside her and she opened the door. When that happened the interior light came on. She could see my c*** but I was so excited that c** exploded out of my c***. It happened so fast that I reached over, closed the door and took off.

I often wonder what she thought. Oh yeah, I also j******* to those memories.