Pretty much all my life, I knew I wanted to take care of my parents when they grew old. My parents divorced when I was very young, though, and my mom died when I was a young teen. My dad took me in – this blob of clay who did not know who she was – and he gently shaped me into a confident, decisive person who felt she was worth something. He was an amazing man who had been through so much, but who just kept on pushing forward. He taught me to do the same. Most of the time. Sometimes, though, I got confused.

Somehow, when I married the man who I thought I would have great adventures with for the rest of my life, I got myself into the most bizarre situation. All his friends think he is the most wonderful guy. Only I know the truth. He has a very ugly side no one else has seen. It is not physical abuse at all. It has nothing to do with s**, other women, etc. It is this dark side where he gets paranoid, and totally illogical, and crazy. But it took me too long to put all the puzzle pieces together, because for many years I took an anti-depressant medicine that made me happy and content with everything.

I finally went off the medicine after a decade, and it suddenly hit me that I had been so busy with my own “life” and my family, that I had NOT taken care of my father. The one who took such good care of me over the years. The one who had stepped back and given me room to grow, when I needed it, but who brought M & Ms to school the day I won a spelling bee.

I let my weird husband convince me NOT to go to my dad’s hospital bed when he was dying. It’s a long story, but basically I just feel I sold my soul to the devil, and I abandoned the ONE person in my family who I loved the most, and who, over the years showed ME the most love and respect. I just fucked up my dad’s life, and my dad’s death, and the hours/days I should have had to help my dad and just be with him, and my husband sabotaged that whole thing at every turn.

Now here I am, with a non-marriage marriage, with a kid with disabilities who needs us both, living across the country from where I should be living, and I have NO choice.

On top of all that, I suspect that my husband is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.

I love my children, but I wish I NEVER met the b****** that ruined my life. I thought he was the man that made it worth surviving childhood for, and instead he ruined my entire life. He made every happy memory become a sad one. Every moment of my life, I am either crying, or holding it back.