Ok im probably never gonna show this or send to you but these are things i just wanna get off my chest and even though i do love you these are things i dont think i can tell you. Idk one thing today was i walked passed a nerdy looking guy and idk i just thought how i rather live that life i feel like i always have to put up a front but i literally rather spend my lunch in a classroom playing video games with a bunch of other guys( not like cool guys you get me) but i envy those people so much i literally rather be like that… Like ive seen that guy just have a small group of guy friends and they just play video games. It seems nice not having to put a front on. Idk i just hate the way i am i hate myself so much my personality everything. I dont know why you even like me i hate myself i feel like if i looked like a much more of a loser or uglier you wouldn’t like me which makes me feel so awful. Idk if that sounds dumb but ya theres so much more i think all we do is joke around but i wanna have way more serious conversations with you but whenever i actually try u just kinda brush it off and change the subject which idk its because the first girl i actually liked we would talk about books and so much things and she literally cried for me an listend to everything i said and she was so interested but whenever i tell you something you just reply something like “oh really” but not actually continue the convo which s**** for me because we just change topics so much and im not tryna compare u to her because i love you much more but idk i wish we would talk about shows more and drama and anime and manga and i wanna have a much more emotional bond with you which is why i probably keep getting unintentionally mad without telling u so idk. I also dont wanna tell u this because i dont want you to try n change for me but ya i just wanna be more emotional with you but its hard which is also my part because i dont communicate but its just ive always been uncomfortable with men so its harder for me. Like i think with a girl it was easier but i love you more then any girl so i wanna try!!! You will never read this because i dont want you to get mad but ya. I also wanna talk more about my life and understand you more as well!!! Also recently my gender dysphoria gotten better kinda idk ive always wanted to be a guy lol actually today i realized why b**** make me uncomfortable even other girls because ive always hated mine so much they make me so uncomfortable even touching them feels dirty to me so even other girls makes me uncomfortable like actually and idk i also never wanted to say this but i envy how u have ur life but like not u i just wish i had a big group of guy friends who didnt see me as a girl! Growing up with guys made me have a mindset as one but whenever i try acting naturally with guys they act different because im a girl and it s**** so much like actually lol now im just ranting its just i wouldn’t really tell u this because i feel like you wouldnt care or even understand you know.