Everytime I come to sites like this I realise how miserable I am to the point I can’t even express my feelings to my own friends. Though that might just be part of my inner guilt, the thought that i’ll burden them more, seeing as they have struggles of their own to deal with.
However, it’s hard not to notice the struggle I have to breathe and to ignore the constant feeling of tightness in my chest I had since a child.
No one will understand my context, maybe they’ll give me some half assed advice. I don’t want to hear that, I wan’t to hear true words, even if those true words just mean reaffirming what I know.
I feel constant pressure to carry on my family’s name and not be a disappointment like my two other siblings, my family was rich once, you know? All that money we had was inherited by one of my mother’s aunt who doesn’t even know how to life by herself or know how to make business.
It hurts to be the only hope in my family, though they don’t pressure me themselves, it’s the light jokes that my sister throws in here and there such as “You’re carrying the pressure of the three generations of this family” that make me truly break down.
I’m stressed and it hurts to think about this, I don’t even know what to say anymore, it feels like I’ve ignored my feelings for so long it actually is giving me a headache.
What I have figured out ’till now is that: I know that thinking much about it will ultimately make me drop in grades and just go on a full on depression and self harm, my only “dream” in life is to make other people happy, in the cost of my own happiness – I can only imagine having a child that’ll be very much happier than I, have more chances than I ever did in life, I feel so miserable and have put myself in shadows. I feel miserable, terrible and stressed.
F*** this injust world where money is the only way things work out. Don’t tell me that’s not true, I know it very much it is – Tell me, how would you feel if you were put in my shoes? Tell me how would you feel if you were exposed to the ugly truth about the world, that humanity is in a constant loop of pain and hurt – where the rich get richer and the poor are left to die. Where no one thinks about doing an act of kindness and sit in their homes waiting for a revolution to happen when they won’t get their asses out of the chair?

FML.