What works? Being a gentleman and being intelligent doesn’t work. Being an a****** doesn’t work. Taking care to let them come to me and not pushing doesn’t work. I get that I’m no prize aesthetically, but I’m by no means ugly. I’m just so very tired. I deserve this. I deserve to be alone and loathed and ignored and pitied.

I’m so tired of trying. I can’t even be a friend. I’ve been broken over and over again since the first memories. Neglected by my parents because my sister was selfish and they barely had anything to give me to begin with. Friends dying to cancer, choking, killing themselves. Friends moving away. The ones still around abandoning me. My own sister molesting me. My mother telling me my father wanted a girl. My father telling me my mother wanted a girl. Getting a cancerous tumor on my kidney and needing it removed requiring money I didn’t have.

I repulse most anything with a pulse. My ex-fiance left me. I’m amazed she even wanted me to begin with. She was pregnant and alone and depressed and truly desperate. I can’t even get people to become my friends without scaring them off before we even meet. What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be with somebody and be loved. I don’t deserve to even have friends.

I’m so tired. I want to die more than anything in the world and I have for as long as I can remember. I am useless. I am a burden. I am clueless. I am broken.

I don’t even have the courage to end such a pitiable existence. I have nothing of value to provide this world and I waste oxygen allowing myself to continue to live. The only option I should even be considering is how many pills it will take to stop my heart. But then some poor b****** will have to clean up my worthless corpse. Nobody will miss me either way.