I am in love with my best friend. But I’m not.

I love my girlfriend, and I know that I am in love with her, but my heart aches to hold my best friend. But you can’t do that. You aren’t allowed to do that. You have rules to follow.

When you spend your life establishing a moral code, and in a week the laws of this code are all broken, how do you recover?

I can’t sleep more than four or five hours at a time. I wake up envisioning my friend sobbing because of what she’s going through. The vision lingers far beyond my waking. I just want to hold her because it’s the only way I know how to make it go away.

My heart is more powerful than my head, but the ultimate loser will be my soul. I know what I have to do to survive. I know what I want to do, survival be damned. The question remains, “what do I do?”

I can’t see a future for us anymore. I’ve fallen in love but I know that our future is short, and ends in the misery of losing each other.

I tell myself that things will get better. I tell myself that this pain will erode. I know that it will. But what I know is different from what I feel. My head is insulated from what my heart feels.

I just wish the two would reconcile.

I wish I knew how to survive.