Well, evrythiNg seems to be fine.. Seems. But smthing is wrong, what is wrong? Its really not the time for me to give up or to depress or to feel

14 years

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Well, evrythiNg seems to be fine.. Seems. But smthing is wrong, what is wrong? Its really not the time for me to give up or to depress or to feel dispirited , dejected.
But wht if i give up then what will happen next?
What if i decide to stop lying to the people around me, to the people i love.. What if i realise that what i feel is not love.. What if.
What if i decide to follow my own path, to stop listening, to do what i want, to change my major, to go, not to be,to forget people’s thoughts,forget what people say, stop acting as if i dnt care nd faking a smile when something go wrong or when someone hurt me (maybe not on purpose), stop hiding behind a smile
Stop trying to please you, nt care about what u might think, not believe every word you say, stop feeling bad when you, all of you, re not happy,
stop stressing,stop missing someone when the other just dont care..

But wht if i jump, what if i leave, what if i change, i know i cant do it , i dnt have enough energy, enough strength
I will not show how weak i am, i will not admit it

Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow i will forget abt all this

New Confession

I’ve been hearing a lot about medically assisted deaths for homelessness in Canada. Honestly… if someone offered me ‘MAID’ in that kind of situation… it would make me feel so cared for me. Like people don’t even give a s***. *THAT* would make me want to do maid, in itself. F*** that. F*** people who would offer that s*** instead of actually f****** help people. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing I offered maid to someone instead of trying to help them. I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror the same way again.

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I’m going to be 20 and my mental health has definitely improved in the past few years but I HAVE been su***dal since I was 10 and as hard as I try I can’t stop the su***dal thoughts. I know I need therapy because the medications barely helped. The truth is that it’s been so long since I’ve had the thoughts that they feel like they’re just part of my brain chemistry now. It sort of feels like being able to read – you can’t just unlearn how to read, if you see words you’re going to automatically read them in a sense, and that’s how it feels like with the thoughts. They just keep coming. I don’t know if even therapy will make them ever go away. I’m scared and I’m tired and I wish I had received help sooner before an entire decade went by. Maybe I wouldn’t have those thoughts now if I had gotten help sooner. But this country doesn’t want you to talk about that. I just have to deal with my broken brain for the rest of my life. I’m trying hard to want to live, to actually live, but my mental health is taking a huge toll on my body and I have too many health issues because of that, which is obviously making life harder. I wish I could take a break from life to just relax and work on my mental health for an entire year, maybe 2 years. But that’s not how it works here. I’m just so exhausted. Even my headmates are missing, they don’t talk to me anymore. I can’t feel them there anymore and I wish they were back. It felt better when I wasn’t alone in my head.