Where do I begin?
My life is a mess.
Final month at university but I feel like I am failing everything.
I moved continents away from home to follow my dreams, at only 19. Little did I understand that these dreams would cost my sanity. That I would lose myself. That I would break myself into pieces. That I would make it so hard for myself.
4 years after, and I m still continent away. Stuck in a limbo, still lost.
2 years ago I met the love of my life, or should I say the heartbreak of my life. I catch him lying all the time, I even think he is being disloyal. But I can’t leave him, I love him too much. He breaks my heart over and over again, but still I stay. But I am used to being hurt by the people I love, I am used to heartbreak. But it hurt more each time.
Heartbreaks:
1. Dad getting cancer and dying when I was only 6. He was my best friend and it is so unfair, that I will never see him again, or hear his voice or feel his hugs. When he died, a huge part of me died with him. As I grow older I come to understand that god might not exist, and there might not be an afterlife, but I don’t want to believe that, because the thought of not being able to ever see him again is unbearable.
2. Mum changing… After dad died, she became ruthless towards me, I thinmkm because she had to vent somehow, but I love her either way. She caused a lot of pain for me, but she is also the reason I’m still alive.
3. War. I am 8 years old and I have to experience this. Just when I started getting stronger again, life shut me down. I made school my best friend, but war took that away from me.
4. Bullied by everyone since the day my dad died, up until today. And I’m not talking about teasing… In high school and university people called me a w****, a s***, they wouikld break my locker and throw stuff at me. But I was no w****, no s***, I was a virgin.
I remember coming home and just sitting by the stairs outside our apartment and crying. Because I knew that was the only place I wasn’t a victim. School was hell and home was worse.
5. Meeting his family. I took in his dad as mine, I thought wow I finally have someone I can call dad. Only to be painfully heartbroken again, I messed up, I got manipulated by his mother whom has her own agenda. I was kicked out of his family, and I lost another dad. They don’t want me to be with their son, though I have done nothing wrong, but been naive.
6. Uncle dies from cancer, another father figure, another person I loved so much just dies. Everyone I love seem to either leave or die.
I always did well in school and people often tell me I’m beautiful, and they think I’m luckjy following my dreams. But they really know nothing, because I never tell anyone my story. I play my part, I fake a smile hard enough it becomes real? They call me strong, they who know me, but they do not know how week I feel.
I want to succeed but I keep failing…