I miss her, or do I? We met online. She was blonde hair/blue eyes, tan, perfect body. At first I just wanted to talk dirty to her all night about what I would do to her. We never talked about s** though. That was ok with me. She would be there to talk to every single day almost for a long time. I started developing deeper feelings for her as a person, but hers stayed at the surface. What started out as some sort of social experiment to toy with someone ended up being a real friendship. She would call me out on my weakest points though. As if she had none. As if she were invincible. I hate people like that. You know damn well she would bleed if I punched her hard enough. If I hit the right buttons. What s**** about people to me is they all want to control me. Everything is trying to control me, and I just get further and further away. I’m not worried about being alone forever. I don’t think I could ever truly be happy anyhow. People are out there fighting day and night to live up to some ideal. While I fight, I fight for something a little different. I fight for self respect. Nevermind I guess we are all fighting for that- I guess what separates me is I’m not a f****** a****** and in a power position I wouldn’t hold peoples’ weaknesses over their heads. I wouldn’t cut them off at the knees to see them crawl at my feet. I guess I’m not damaged in that way. Yet I’ve been humiliated enough in my life by other people. I take no pleasure in peoples’ pain. I’m not cold and calculating. Maybe that’s just who the f*** I am, and who the f*** she isn’t. Maybe that’s what I dislike about people. Always trying to poke me to see if I’m warm-blooded. Yet they stop laughing when I poke back. When I take their insecurities and shine them on a big billboard. Nobody likes that s***, so my question is why do people do it? I don’t need to create any more enemies than exist naturally- so why all the unprovoked attacks? I get out there and try to lift people up that are hurting and for what? For nothing. For nothing. I’m not sure I believe in karma- I think it’s just a damn tough road to hoe for most all people. I’ve seen karma in action, but usually when people are being stupid. So yeah, karma for me might be her getting ahold of this message- or maybe I don’t even care anymore. She wasn’t a lover. She wasn’t friend caliber to me. I guess that leaves it at experiment. It was a big damn experiment to see if I mattered… to someone who appeared to be flawless, but underneath, we all bleed the same. The grass is always greener for me. I am not sure that I would be happy if I had the looks and the prestige and all that b*******. I think at that point I’d acquire lots of fake smiles around me which I would just as soon punch in the face as have a pointless conversation with. I guess things aren’t so bad after all. This little empire I built isn’t big or flashy- but I built it with my own two hands. Two hands that would like to just wring the last breath out of the necks of everything trying to control him. It’s 2014. I’m getting too old to give a damn about much more than the simple things in life. A nice nap in a warm bed on a bitter cold winter night. The thought of giving my mother a few good times before she leaves us. The thought of helping someone out there. The elite can go be elite with all the emptiness that it entails. I think I’ve found the promise land- and it’s something not a soul can take from me. Sometimes I really wish they would try, though. I wish they would get right up in my face and try, because Iron Mike Tyson wouldn’t have s*** on me that day. Sometimes society needs a good a** whooping. A good old-fashioned knock out clean on the sidewalk in front of the playground. Society– it’s this invisible enemy. Never seen but always felt.