Although I don’t feel any sort of attraction to him anymore, I still can’t forget the first person I fell in love with. It was unrequited from the start, and he hurt me pretty badly. He hurt other people I love, people I love more than him, but I still can’t help but feel a lingering attachment. I want to help him, he has all sorts of issues of his own, but he doesn’t do anything about them. When we first met, I was completely alone. He and another friend (who I also don’t speak with now…) drew me out of being a social recluse. Because of them I gave everything another chance. Just speaking to him gave me the strength to better myself and my living situation. Needless to say, he was rather important to me. I was only a teenager at the time, so I cared too much, far too fast. In less than two years of knowing him, I was pretty smitten. I confessed, he evaded, we cuddled for hours, and then I had no idea where we were for months. Eventually from his silence I had to accept how unrequited my feelings were, so I said he was still important to me, and I still valued his friendship. We both needed space after that, but for the following two years I tried endlessly to patch things up to even a basic level. No matter how hard I tried, I fucked things up between us. That wasn’t fine, I could’ve lived with that. Then he dated one of my best friends, broke up with her and said he never wanted to date her anyways. Later he had a sort of fling with another friend, and just continued to be hurtful towards them. I’ve grown to hate him. I hate him so much. I just want to fix him, and punch him in the face, and cry at him, “why?” I don’t understand, and I think that’s one of reasons why he’s so hard to let go. After f****** up with that many people, that many times he’s been talked to by other people in our group. He doesn’t learn though. I don’t know why. I don’t understand why the person who helped me be better has hurt so many people I love. He’s hurting himself. I want to protect everyone he’s hurt, I want to save him, and I want retribution for all those he’s hurt. It hurts to think about. I’ve lost too much sleep over him. Over loving him, hating him, and not understanding him.

Unintentionally, he saved me once. Why can’t I save him? If I had of, he wouldn’t have hurt all these people.