Not at all.

Now I’m not open to 2 things. New people. It takes time, years to earn my trust.

Or people from my past. Especially women. Women were a funny thing. It seems like for years decades, I will fantasize about a women from my past in a romantic way. They’re in my heart. I Romanticize it. I drive around in a car at night in my early/mid, listening to sappy radio shows, playing sappy music and ahhh, those were the days….. I’m a lucky man to. know there’s a woman out there that I have that connection with. I’m wishing upon a star. A few women. Some people don’t ever see that. So I carry it, and I keep into myself, I am not even heart broken by them, it’s been years at the time in the 90’s and then time goes on, and then I come to a point where I find her and it’s like….. Jesus Christ what the hell?! She has become so not me in one way or another or many that it was as if someone just f****** murdered it. It’s not just me saying it, It dies instantly. It so disappoints me that it wipes out all of that. For real. I’m not just saying that. Completely not what I need. It’s unattractive and I’m not just talking looks, it’s way of thinking. You definitely don’t attack me disrespect me and expect me to be a submissive b**** who is willing to let you control the relationship. Not that I want to control it either, but I don’t go for that s***. F*** that. It’s a huge turn off. So is polyamory. S** with multiple people like as if it’s nothing. Exhibitionism, S******. Just weird s*** in general. If she is not sweet as one, in love with me and willing to put that s*** aside because its “f****** me… ME!” it’s like taking a gun to the head of whatever feelings I had. It kills it. For real. It’s not a game. I take it very f****** seriously.

These days I just wash my hands of the whole thing, I don’t fight that or war over s*** like that, especially against imbeciles, that’s much 2 stressful. There’s much more constructive s*** to be concentrating on. Wasting energy on. Like work. My stress goes there. I have no more energy left for that s***.

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t “touch” s*** if I know it will eventually be a problem. In other words I don’t touch anything not worth touching, especially to ruin it, for any reason. I out that where it belongs, elsewhere. To a woman or women who IS what I want, who wants me. Respects me. There is no touching anything even to ruin it for anyone. I don’t do that. It doesn’t concern me and it doesn’t matter to me.

I don’t ever change what I believe either. If I think I’m right, there is no changing my mind. I need to feel I am generally wrong. I can be wrong but I need to believe it. I can’t put myself around anyone who I feel lacks the respect I would give them. It doesn’t mean they need to respect me, people love me, people hate me, same as anyone else, but I don’t want to be around it. I’ve been right, made a decision to not go any further with someone, it was the right thing to do for me, I was right. She talked me out of it, even though I was absolutely sure it was not right for me, it would not end well for me, she managed to change my direction. It turned out to be what I consider the worst personal relationship I have ever know. One of the biggest most crucial wastes of time and life I have ever known. Plenty of damage to me on a personal level. Devastating. That was a long time ago, I am better than I was then in areas I was not doing so well in then. I’m a better man. I am healed from that, I really am better off, I put a lot of work into myself using the minimal I have, built myself up, I keep getting better too slowly but surely and I’m over her. I would never let her back in for anything after the s*** she pulled. All I had to do then, was stick to my guns, end it early like I tried to, she would have been gone shortly after, it would have just been a memory… stupidest personal mistake I ever made. Really kicked the s*** out of my head.

See ∆∆∆ that’s not good. There was a point there when I would have loved to just f****** murder a few people. Not even her, other people, and not evening of jealousy, just their big f****** mouths and stupid thinking. Years ago. That’s not cool. I don’t like feeling like that. Something that. Rings out the worst in me. I don’t touch anything new, easily, and anything old, that’s what I was getting at, it’s like I carry these romantic things with me, I see them a certain way, and I find out it’s not like that, it dies (for real) is completely wiped out, I don’t care, that s*** from my early 20’s is deemed meaningless, just like that, for real. So then it’s as if my mind goes “well, that was fucked up…. Luckily theres her…I wonder what’s ever happened to her…” and then I find out and it’s like “Jesus f****** Christ, what the f*** happened here?!?”

I don’t go of my way to touch the past either. If I needed to be, I would rather be alone than with some of that s***. I would rather apply the energy somewhere positive that benefits me without harming anyone. Even a b**** who doesn’t respect me.l when she damn well should because I actually earned it 40 f****** years ago! That’s a waste of amo. I go find another adventure. Plenty of other places to be.

If you or a home you know fucks with me, of course I’ll fight, like I said there was point where I would’ve loved to have f****** killed a few people. Violently. K have never felt that strong of hate come out of me. Not cool. Not how I like feeling. That’s a shitting feeling hating that strong. I’m not down with that, so I avoid people who are like that. I avoid people who hang out with people like that. People who will provoke or incite drama.