5 years
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I was so in like and lust with Kristen that she was the first that I thought of when I woke up before my radio alarm clock. I do that 99% of the time. I wanted to call her but knew that I shouldn’t. I was also hoping like hell that she had no regrets or had told her mom or someone who would think that I had done bad things to her. Our age difference would be a major deal to some people. I always treat my ladies with respect so I didn’t think it would be an issue. Since their mom was working second shift all this week I was watching the girls all week and opening the station 4 out of the 6 days she was working. I was showered and dressed when my mom met me in the kitchen with a kiss on the cheek as she stole my just poured coffee. “Looking good mom but I’m gonna remember that some cold winter morning” She chuckled adding some milk to “her” mug. “Thank you and good morning number one son. Lea called like a hundred times last night, it took me an hour to find your phone.” I had forgotten it. “I am your only son and my phone was on my dresser, it took you maybe 5 rings.” She smiled knowing I was right. We talked a little and I had to split. Work was good and busy without being crazy. I talked to Lea who said she missed me. Kris called me at work and she said the same thing. She couldn’t wait to see me tonight.
We were lovers for almost 4 years with an occasional girl friend of hers in the mix. At 16 she decided to commit herself to a girl we had bedded together, with a rare b********* from me. As far as I knew she had only had me as a male friend with benefits. MMmmmmmm!

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I’m tempted to give up on her and I I feel like I’ve been trying so long and litteeally I put in the effort. She doesn’t even try to communicate back. I don’t think she even knows I tried to reach her. The messages are unread. I’m blocked on fb. I’ve spent a year even trying to reach her on different social media on off. Tried to rebuild start from scratch. Impress her compliment her and say how I truly feel. All those months I spent on my knees praying for her for and for us that was 2 f****** years ago. Then you tease me with a vision of us and tell me well have kids and make me earn them by doing good deeds just basically keep doing it till something happens then you tease me with how she looked pregnant and no one told me s*** for months I’m left alone wondering if anything even happened with a woman I love who won’t speak to me let alone even add me on social media who was probably carrying my kid that was my gift of my love to her. Then more months go by I know nothing no one tells me anything. I spent months begging the real jesus for clarity tell me what is going on felt like their souls exist and don’t understand where I’m under this god that can’t possibly be jesus while trying to find jesus for 2 1/2 godamn years of working my a** off obsessing over what in the name of God I could possibly be doing wrong. Months and months of devotion and bible studies and all those prayers and trying to learn and fun. Months I was tormented for I think almost a year and I still get tormented. Everything I have been through in faith is so unfair. Then I saw recently she didn’t even look pregnant. This god is such a jerk. I blame the real jesus every day for not helping me or my life not h3lping me understand what is going on leaving me on my own to try to figure everything out for a year or more. All the he’ll and torment I have gone through all the horrible things I have gone through in the last 2 years. My life genuinely feels so bad that this year I finally looked for a diff god yet still believing In Jesus bc it just that gofamn awful it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ll curse you every day jesus for not helping me all those times I seemed the real jesus not this thunder thing or satan. This is bs. You have nonidea how many times u even asked for deliverance from things
You have no idea how many times I have tried to confess sins or talked to a priest. How much effort I have put into it Christianity and faith and these weird spiritual things I have gone through. I’ve spent 2 1 /2 years still trying ti understand visions even. And all this other stuff that I don’t understand (other spiritual things all kinds of stuff even dreams that were spiritual) and yeah I prayed about it yeah I talked to priest about it. Your Bible is useless on so many issues. Jesus is a damn moron and a jerk and clearly is f****** deaf