5 years
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Kristen asked what I was doing. “Playing with myself.” She looked curiously. “Really? Like um playing with your.. your thingy?” I gave her a wink. It made her surprised look turn into sly smirk. “Yes, I’m playing with my thingy Kristen.” “Oh.” Her eyes went wide. “I mean OH! Wow can I see? I’ve never seen a guys thingy before.” She asked ultra excitedly from the other end of the huge L shaped couch. “Only if you promise not to tell anyone. It’s a private thing, that’s why you can’t tell anyone okay.”
“I wouldn’t tell anyone, why would I?” “I mean it Kris not Anyone, No one, Promise me.” “Okay” Rolling her eyes, “I promise not to tell anyone jeezey cow!” Crossing her heart and for the moment highlighting her small 12 yo breasts as she started getting up. I was 17 then, watching her and her little sister while their mom was working second shift this week. I wasn’t the only one who liked my thick, almost 8 inch c***. 8 and a quarter inches when I’m vigorously f****** a girl. All the ladies that I shared it with liked it a lot. “Holy Crap! I mean Holy cow you really are playing with it! Wow!!” And she giggled and laughed a little. I let go so she could see all of it’s throbbing glory. “God that is amazing!” Leaning in to see it closer. “Why.. why are you doing it now, why here, why now with me sitting right over there?!” I talked a little about how I found her very attractive, I was feeling h**** and was pretending that she was touching me to m***********. That opened up a million questions from her that I put off until I got us fresh drinks. My soda was more rum from under the counter than soda water. Hers was just pop. I set mine down handing Kris hers. “Thanks.” She almost spit her sip when I pulled off my jeans and boxer shorts. ” Oh my god!” she said quietly, covering her mouth in case she did spit soda. I was all ready barefoot and I pulled my polo shirt over my head. Her pretty sapphire blue eyes actually got even bigger.

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I’m tempted to give up on her and I I feel like I’ve been trying so long and litteeally I put in the effort. She doesn’t even try to communicate back. I don’t think she even knows I tried to reach her. The messages are unread. I’m blocked on fb. I’ve spent a year even trying to reach her on different social media on off. Tried to rebuild start from scratch. Impress her compliment her and say how I truly feel. All those months I spent on my knees praying for her for and for us that was 2 f****** years ago. Then you tease me with a vision of us and tell me well have kids and make me earn them by doing good deeds just basically keep doing it till something happens then you tease me with how she looked pregnant and no one told me s*** for months I’m left alone wondering if anything even happened with a woman I love who won’t speak to me let alone even add me on social media who was probably carrying my kid that was my gift of my love to her. Then more months go by I know nothing no one tells me anything. I spent months begging the real jesus for clarity tell me what is going on felt like their souls exist and don’t understand where I’m under this god that can’t possibly be jesus while trying to find jesus for 2 1/2 godamn years of working my a** off obsessing over what in the name of God I could possibly be doing wrong. Months and months of devotion and bible studies and all those prayers and trying to learn and fun. Months I was tormented for I think almost a year and I still get tormented. Everything I have been through in faith is so unfair. Then I saw recently she didn’t even look pregnant. This god is such a jerk. I blame the real jesus every day for not helping me or my life not h3lping me understand what is going on leaving me on my own to try to figure everything out for a year or more. All the he’ll and torment I have gone through all the horrible things I have gone through in the last 2 years. My life genuinely feels so bad that this year I finally looked for a diff god yet still believing In Jesus bc it just that gofamn awful it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ll curse you every day jesus for not helping me all those times I seemed the real jesus not this thunder thing or satan. This is bs. You have nonidea how many times u even asked for deliverance from things
You have no idea how many times I have tried to confess sins or talked to a priest. How much effort I have put into it Christianity and faith and these weird spiritual things I have gone through. I’ve spent 2 1 /2 years still trying ti understand visions even. And all this other stuff that I don’t understand (other spiritual things all kinds of stuff even dreams that were spiritual) and yeah I prayed about it yeah I talked to priest about it. Your Bible is useless on so many issues. Jesus is a damn moron and a jerk and clearly is f****** deaf