Sorry Buddy, I Tried. I was taking a shower earlier when I noticed an ant on the wall. For some reason, it was really bothering me, so I cupped my hand full of water and threw it at the ant. Immediately after doing this, I felt horrible. I saw the ant slowly making it’s way towards the drain, and all I could imagine was what it’d be like to drown, so I put my finger down and caught it before it could go down the drain.

I put it back on the wall, and it continued trying to crawl around, but I could see that the damage had been done and now it was only suffering. So, I put the ant back on the ground, then slammed my foot on top of it to make sure it died as quickly as possible.

After doing this, I sat on the floor of the shower and imagined how it would feel to have something bigger than me do the same thing to me, and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. I could picture a monstrous foot coming from the sky and smashing me right into the pavement.

I had no idea why I was thinking about all this. I have no idea why I was sitting on the floor of the shower. I think since I’ve been trying so hard lately to change into a better person, the old parts of me are trying to show face again. And I have to say, they’re pretty strong about it.

I can’t really count on my family anymore. It turns out my sister has ben talking s**t about me on a constant basis even though I’ve practically done everything for her ever since she got in trouble. I figure my dad thinks I’ll be fine on my own, so he doesn’t give me the time of day anymore and spoils my sister rotten. So, at the end of each and every day, I have to fill those missing pieces with imaginary one. I just lie to myself and pretend like people are actually proud of me for making these steps, and that helps quite a bit. It’s easy to lie to yourself when you’ve done it for so long.

What else. . .

I’ve been reading The Rise and Fall of Genghis Kahn, Art of War, and Art of Mental Training, trying to prepare myself for school. These books don’t solely apply to war and sports. If you alter the context a bit, it provides you with a really nice, new perspective on whatever you apply it to. Originally, I thought of these other students I’ll be with as future competition for jobs, but now I see them as people I can work WITH instead of AGAINST to build myself a network of people outside of the businesses themselves.

I realize I’m ranting now, and jumping from one thing to the next, but s**t, I’ve gotta let it all out somewhere. Anyway, my minds drawing blanks right now, so. . .