I’m so f****** tired of everything. I’m tired of pretending all my life; I’m tired of eating, sleeping, living. It upsets me a lot actually. Or rather it used to. But now? Now I’m just so f****** tired.
And bored.
I don’t see anything new, and anything that is new, doesn’t interest me.
I don’t remember the last time I was fully honest with someone. It makes me angry actually, makes me laugh. But its just empty laughter at that. Honestly, I f****** hate the masks and f****** walls I have built up over the years. Now I don’t even know how to get rid of them.
I don’t like being labelled. I really f****** hate it. Parents, teachers, my psychiatrist; they all put labels on me. I understand why; its easier to ‘treat’ me that way. To deal with me. But I don’t want to know that I have severe anxiety, clinical depression, ocd and s*** like sleep problems. I hate it.
This is actually pretty f****** hard to admit actually, all the above, but it helps to know that its an anonymous post you know? No one’s going to know who I am. In fact, most people are just going to scroll past this post. Because what am I? Nothing special that’s for sure. All that I am is just another human being; breathing, but hardly living.
I’m so f****** upset, so emotionally exhausted. Emotionally, mentally and physically. All three hit at me. And I hate it.
See on top of that, it doesn’t help that I’m gay. It doesn’t make my life easy. What makes me laugh are ignorant fucks, saying how hard it is living the ‘cis white [INSERT GENDER]’ life.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.
Drifting. That’s all it is. I’m a drifter, and I find it hard to stick to one thing. I get bored of things far too easily, but in all truth nothing really interests me that much. My favourite thing is people watching. Its a fun activity, judging people, and their lives. You get to form little stories about them in your head. And no one’s going to know.
I live in England, and I’m under 20. As I said earlier, I’m a drifter. I’m not one for sticking to things. I’m not British, and although I was born in Poland, I don’t consider myself that. I have an accent, as does everyone else, but its hard to pin point. I’ve been called English, Irish, American, f*** even as far as Australian and at one point Spanish. Odd how they never consider Polish though isn’t it?
I used to be angry with everyone. Annoyed at anyone and everyone. I thought that the whole world hates me.
I got over that.
I realised that no one is special. No one is better than anyone. Nothing I do will ever change anything. I’m just one person in a world of over 7 billion people. I’m tired and sick and I hate myself. No one else is responsible; I just despise my very core being.
I don’t really know what else to say. There’s so much I’d love to. So many things to say, but only so many characters I’m willing to use up within this confession box.
I don’t know what to do with myself, and I don’t know how to talk to anyone. Maybe one day, I will be able to look myself in the eye without hating my being. But today is not that day. Today I have to get up and get to work. Just another day, I suppose.
Another tiring day. Sleepless nights and coffee filled mornings, I suppose that’s my life. I probably ranted a bit too much here.
I just wanted someone to see this. I don’t care much for who it is; just anyone. I don’t know how to talk to people, so this is the best I can do. Thank you if you actually spared some time to read through this, it may not seem like much but it really f****** is.
Thanks.