When I was a little girl I used to love laying in bed with a p******** minder. I felt loved and it was our special time. I used to lay in his arm and we would giggle and talk. He started putting his hands in my underpants and leaving his hand lay on top of my private parts. I always felt it was wrong, it was never a good feeling for me. Then he started ‘outling’ the shape of my little first or second grade v***** with felt pens or lipstick on my skin in red ink. I hated it. My dad who protected him and was a strange man with strange thinking. My mother loved the church and god and we always went to church for her (although they both had the Faith but in different religions). Of course the Ministers were good as was my dad at reading and teaching sunday service to the lord but we considered to hold ‘Church’ every Sunday in our living room as my father had some religious teaching experiences, but little came of that when so much p******** wrecking destroyed his dreams, he was the victim and not the bandit.
My little brother and I would sit on the p******** minders lap as well but he never let on similar was happening to him, or in his chair while the rest of the family sat on the couch. My granddad would sit with his hands in both on his d*** all through evening tv and I have strange visions of myself wetting my pants while listening to sermons and before communion in church, in classrooms and not being allowed out when hymns etc were to be sung. I remember wondering why this was acceptable most of my schooling but we all feared my headmaster and the catholic system.
My mother was emotionally abusive. Our entire family was emotionally abusive. Even at that young age, I knew it was wrong for him to do that to us. I never sat on his lap or snuggled in bed with him after that. He showed me how to insert a finger through the back door, but it has been an upset me for most of my life. I’ve never told anyone and I want it to stop playing over and over and over in my head. I guess what upsets me most is I didn’t know that all men did things like that to their sweet little girls. I won’t let this “own me” anymore. I have to speak up for that little girl and protect her once and for all. I’m afraid to ask if he’s done this to anyone else in the family. I feel in my heart that its possible and I don’t know how to approach it. I have a feeling that there was something terrible to happen with us all, too. I know he will have to answer to Satan for how he’s treated those he was supposed to be loving. How can someone sit and ‘feel up’ a third grader and a Kindergartner while listening to sermons, music or old films or touch up under the table at meal times?!?! This is a monster! I hate it that so much of my life was wasted on someone who just wanted to control his family and not love them. I won’t waste one more second on hurting over this …