The city lights are bright. And all i can see is you. I can't take my eyes off of you. No one can tell me to look away now, this day is finally here, and

14 years

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The city lights are bright. And all i can see is you. I can’t take my eyes off of you. No one can tell me to look away now, this day is finally here, and it’s ours. And as much as anyone doesn’t like it, they’ve got nothing against us. I can’t let go of your hand, I can’t stop thinking about that second ago, when you came closer, closed your eyes and kissed me. I want to kiss you again, but i’m too amazed about what just happened. And i’m smiling, i can’t even control it, but i’m smiling, cause i know i can do that now, whenever i want. Whenever we’re alone. We just stare at each other, and that smile you have is just killing me. I cant stay like that for hours, staring back in your eyes, holding your hand, feeling you against me. My whole body just shivered. I just pulled you against me, hugged you like this would be the last time i’d do so. You feel nicer, perfect. Even though, nothing has changed since yesterday, when i passed by your house, just to say hi, and all we could do is smile, sit far away from each other, knowing what day was gonna be up next. You pulled away from my hug, and i thought something was wrong, but it was just because you wanted to stare again. I smiled, took your face with my other hand, and came closer to you. And this was the second time we kissed. And again, it was perfect. Just soft, sweet, and not too wet like you were used to with the others (haha). Your lips were a perfect fit, you tasted sweeter than anything i knew. And i think, a cold tear went down on my burning cheek. That’s the effect you had on me, and the effect i could never show up until this day.

New Confession

I’ve been hearing a lot about medically assisted deaths for homelessness in Canada. Honestly… if someone offered me ‘MAID’ in that kind of situation… it would make me feel so cared for me. Like people don’t even give a s***. *THAT* would make me want to do maid, in itself. F*** that. F*** people who would offer that s*** instead of actually f****** help people. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing I offered maid to someone instead of trying to help them. I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror the same way again.

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I’m going to be 20 and my mental health has definitely improved in the past few years but I HAVE been su***dal since I was 10 and as hard as I try I can’t stop the su***dal thoughts. I know I need therapy because the medications barely helped. The truth is that it’s been so long since I’ve had the thoughts that they feel like they’re just part of my brain chemistry now. It sort of feels like being able to read – you can’t just unlearn how to read, if you see words you’re going to automatically read them in a sense, and that’s how it feels like with the thoughts. They just keep coming. I don’t know if even therapy will make them ever go away. I’m scared and I’m tired and I wish I had received help sooner before an entire decade went by. Maybe I wouldn’t have those thoughts now if I had gotten help sooner. But this country doesn’t want you to talk about that. I just have to deal with my broken brain for the rest of my life. I’m trying hard to want to live, to actually live, but my mental health is taking a huge toll on my body and I have too many health issues because of that, which is obviously making life harder. I wish I could take a break from life to just relax and work on my mental health for an entire year, maybe 2 years. But that’s not how it works here. I’m just so exhausted. Even my headmates are missing, they don’t talk to me anymore. I can’t feel them there anymore and I wish they were back. It felt better when I wasn’t alone in my head.