I want to die every day upon waking up. I am not confused about what I want. I understand my emotions perfectly, and I’m also completely aware of what’s rational and what isn’t, but despite my recognition of logic and reality, both become blurred and void by default, because in comparison with what I’m actually feeling or experiencing, rationale becomes completely irrelevant. It’s much like having phobias I guess, in the sense that you can ultimately conclude that they’re nonsensical, but the fear is still valid and very much ‘real’ to you. This is what makes personal and subjective turmoil difficult to voice, because it’s an endless paradox of nonsensical absurdity, and being aware of it makes it even harder to explain.
