F*** sakes, I know a woman like you and yeah…. of f****** course…. see but I dont know where to go to get to her, and on top of that, I was just thjnking about it today, I’m kind of broken in ways, like from what I have experienced in life when it comes to women and friends. I cant ever trust another peraon, no matter how much I wamt to, I give up. I gave up 10 years ago. Thats not something you can say “dont give up” to, you can to a lot of things, not that and you can’t say “oh ok, well I dont give up…” from what I have experienced, I have zero faith in anything when it comes to people and the way I see it, I’m alright with that too. Its kind of crazy to stop and think about it like today, how different I am mentally than I was in my 20’s. If I am being completely honest too, the other thing I was thinking about is the fact that she could very well be responsible for some of the breaking of me too. As s***** of a thought that is, its possible, and the worst part about that is it would be for stupid reasons. I’m not around, we havent seen each other in a long time, maybe shes wondering if I still felt a certain way, we hadnt seen each other in forever, maybe she knows women Im messing with and I dont know she knows and it pisses her off, makes her jealous, so she lkterally breaks me into pieces that can never be pit back together again, the answer is YES, of f****** course, but she helped kick my a** mentally and broke me in a few ways PERMANENTLY and it would have been out of stupjd s*** too, games, or spite, stupid s*** like that when she knows g******* well, I wish. I always did.
Its that or she enabled other people, idiots, who seriously kicked my a** mentally for a long time, for whatever atupid reason, fucked me up and caused some serious problems with my head…
Which is b*******…. but I guess I try not to put much into it either, because I dont have much faith or hope in thngs between us anx I dont like to sweat s*** that doesnt matter or is not dirsctly in my sight with visible prkkf they are worth the energy. Its not in sight for me, which is fine. I have to admit. My head can’t handle any more of the tyoe of drama in my lifetime. Thats how bad it was. I’m done, I was done 10 years ago and that really was the first time I lost all faith in people. I’m emotionally unavailable. Im a broken man, so hopefully if shes thinking that way still about me, she’s been doing her homework, but I’m not really good enough for her anyway. Maybe before I ended up really broken, we could have been perfect, its too late now. I can not give her what she needs. Thats just the way it goes. I accept that.