i hate my life. i am a christian and it is killing me. god is calling me to be a pastor, and i am afraid that i want to be one. however, i want to do what

6 years

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i hate my life. i am a christian and it is killing me. god is calling me to be a pastor, and i am afraid that i want to be one. however, i want to do what i want, but im scared that i’ll never be happy or fulfilled if i choose not to be a pastor. everyone that i have talked to has said that if i run from god’s will then bad things will happen and that i will not be satisfied in life. im jealous of everyone who can have fun doing what they want in life. i am constantly bombarded by thoughts of being a pastor and i feel guilty when i try to have fun and im worried that i will never be happy. it is affecting my mind and clarity of thought immensely, to the point where i have to constantly ask people to repeat themselves so i can understand what they are saying. i am too afraid of hell to commit suicide and i am too uninterested in being a pastor to live that life. i hate my beliefs and my brain.

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ill tell u something😇the reason i come to germany is just to see u homie😍and im really practicing my German for you. i hope u can see a difference when i come back

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