I can’t let myself let go of cigarettes. It would be the pride and honor of my life to do so. It is the way my Soul has given to me to get to the next step in my life, whatever that is, the growth I have set myself (or God has set for me). But I can’t.
I have all the “tools” I need to do this. I am well versed in trauma recall process–I’ve been doing work like this for almost 30 years now–and I have everything I need to accomplish this simple task…except for a very close friend to witness whatever comes up for me and hold me nonjudgmentally. I lost all the friends who could have helped me do this in the last few years. They died on me. They’re all gone.
I still have my partner, whom I love dearly, but who doesn’t understand the process and doesn’t have the skills to help me. Instead, he senses all my panic and inevitably enables me to get caught in the trauma rather than release it, by making us acting out one of his traumas. I am terrified of throwing our relationship away as a casualty of my own friendlessness.
I know the real answer is that I must find the Friend Within now–that’s exactly why and how I got to this impasse, how I painted myself into this corner.
I am beyond help. Only a miracle can save me. In the past some emergency, some injury (I do to myself, or draw to myself) was how it always happened, and then I could bring all of it to my BFF and she could help me sort it out and let it go. But she’s gone from this life.
The miracle I need, the miracle I pray for to happen in the next two days–before my 59th birthday is over–is that God/Spirit/My Divine Essence finds a way to break through my stubbornness pleasurably. I cannot withstand another terrible death of someone beloved to me, nor will I tolerate another horrible injury to myself. Although my deepest friends are gone, I still have people I love in this life and I do not want to help anybody die again, not for a long while–at least until I grow to the next level of whatever it is that God wants from me.
There has to be a way for this to happen. And it would be an enormous miracle, but there simply has to be a miracle for me, for this birthday. Something so deeply good and pleasurable that it tears me away from self-medication, from substance addiction in revelation, gratitude and affirmation of life! I know it exists, I KNOW it does. The miracle is for me to allow It to find me.
I was born on the Feast of Saint Michael and All Angels. Michael the Archangel who triumphs over the Beast. I can’t begin to imagine how Michael is going to do this, but I am offering the deepest, most wholehearted supplication to Michael to do this ANYWAY. Despite me, because of me, however Michael sees fit, but to produce this miracle for me…with the revelation to me of True Pleasure and True Desire, to slay the False pleasure and desire to which I so stubbornly cling.
I know this is pathetic, that my predicament is pathetic. So many people manifest so many greater needs! But this is MY birthday and this is what I desire more than anything else in the world, so this is my prayer from the depths of my guilt, shame, unreleased trauma and self-loathing.
I need a true miracle, Michael. I beg You, I implore You, I command You! I invoke All That Is Good: Show me the LOVE so overwhelmingly beautiful and persuasive and good that I need to cast all stubbornness, self-deprecation, impatience and hypocrisy aside for all the rest of my time here on earth in this body. I implore you. Take away every shred of False Personality I have–pleasurably, ECSTATICALLY–for me to let go of my hypocrisy long enough to unite with The Beloved Friend Within for the rest of whatever life I have left here on Earth. Help me to Walk My Talk and I will dedicate my remaining days to Your Work in Beauty, Goodness and Love to the utmost of my ability. I have come so far! Please Bring Me HOME TO THE EMBODIMENT OF MY TRUE SELF. In Beauty, Harmony, Pleasure, Goodness and LOVE.
I have Faith in You and You Only because nothing is left to me but such Faith: The Faith of the Fool. AMEN, AMEN and thrice AMEN. It is SO.