I am a Christian.
She is a Mormon.

I know, before anyone reading this begins to lash out harsh judgements for religious separation, just stop reading now.

K, we alone?

Good.

So, I met her doing community theater. And I fell for her almost instantly. She is such a precious girl that I’d do anything for. Throughout the duration of our “friendship” (which was two people crazy attracted to each other) I attempted to show her the truth of her religion – the lies that Mormonism teaches, etc. It was rough. It was never “my religion is better than yours.” and always “I genuinely care about you – so I want you to know the truth.”

These religious debates soon turned into frequent chats about our feelings. I fell HARD for this girl.

Before you know it, she asked me to give her her first kiss. (I am an experienced person, so while a kiss is not a big deal for me, it is for her.) I did. She freaked out, and I explained to her we don’t need to do that anymore. I just wanted her to be comfortable.

Which was true. But, selfish. I wanted her to be comfortable because I didn’t want to freak her out and leave me.

A week went by, and time was not on our side. I was leaving for college to a different state. That was our justification for pursuing each other, thinking that everything was going to work out in the end.

And as if a moment went by, it was time for me to say goodbye to this girl. With many tears (and self loathing), I let her go.

I get to school, and everything is terrible. I hate this place. I want to go home. I want to be with her. I want to silence this voice in my head that says I need to be here – even though I know I need to be here.

Last week, I went home to visit my family. Of which, I invited her to my parents house for a friendly get together. Attraction aside, we ARE friends, and I wanted to see her.

Bad idea.

As I walked her out to the car, I realized I am never going to see this person again. Simultaneously, I also realized that I am in love with this girl, and that I’d give up anything for her.

So that’s what I told her.

For the next few hours, when she was supposed to be driving away, I held her. I kissed mouth, her neck, her arms. I was able to just hold her in my arms while looking at the stars. It was bliss. I have to admit, I’d do anything just to go back to that night.
I helped her into her car, looked deep into her eyes, and said it. “I’m in love with you.” Those feelings were reciprocated. And just like a Shakespearean tragedy – the night was over.

Psh. Yeah right. I wish this was Shakespeare, because then at least I’d be dead, and not have to deal with these emotions and constant onslaught of thoughts passing through my mind.

When I got back to school last week, we remained in contact. We both knew it was over. It had to be. She is still Mormon. I am still gone.

Last night, she told me we should not keep in contact – it was too hard for her. I understand. It’s hard for me too.

And that’s that.

I feel awful. I need to see her. I want her to know it’s all going to be okay. I want to look in her eyes and explain to her my love and my heart without having to face the consequences. I want to be able to tell her that I’d give my life to her, and give her happiness and a future.

But we both know that won’t happen.

So here I am. Confessing to a website where no one knows who or where I am. It doesn’t feel any better talking about it. Thought it would.

Sigh.

Oh well. You get what you paid for, right?