Hello suicidal person from the age 11. I don’t know exactly what you are going through, but I feel you.
I have never been exactly suicidal because I felt I would hurt too many people and that saved me from hurting myself or thinking of killing myself. Myself I am still not over this hard time, but I want to help if possible.
I know how hard it is to reach for help. I am not there even though I would need it. A therapist or friend or a family member could help. But if you aren’t there yet I’ll give you some advice to do before you get there.
I know it sounds stupid but try to be mindful during the day. Be present with what is happening. Ignore hateful comments and think about the good ones. Try to find something that makes you happier. And after every day try to find at least something positive that happened.
Also if you feel this way it means you can better understand how other people can feel. So try to give people what you would want to receive. But be careful with that. Don’t give too much because then you won’t feel any better if you let other people drain you.
Try to find time for yourself every day and try too figure out stuff you have problem with.
Try to do what you have to. And when you feel ready to tell people how you really feel do it. You can write a letter or another form of a message if you can’t tell them in the eyes. Either you can give/send them that or you can tell them because the letter will let you see what you want to say.
I wish you the best luck and I hope this maybe helped a bit. There are some suicide hotlines in some countries so maybe you can reach out that way because people there might understand you better than I do.
About you fearing yourself I understand. I know how much you feel like no one understand or they won’t want to. Just try to not give up and try the things I listed. I hope it’ll help at least a bit.
I sincerely hope that you’ll get through it.