I cannot help but sin
Every bit of morality I thought I had slips away
And I watch it go
Comprehending what it means
Not caring
That I disappoint the Maker and Giver of life
I am rendered an ingrate
Sin, through my veins
Bourne of loneliness and apathy
It makes its way
Corrosive
Into the habitual fabric of my soul’s everyday life
I am no longer a person who sins
But sin itself
I was created good
Given the opportunity to consciously walk in the light
The consciousness remained
The walk was rejected
I have no excuse
I know what I am doing
And so does He
I hurt knowing that
And yet I seem to be possessed by the same dark spirit
And I continue
If I didn’t understand
What I was doing
Or whom it offended
It would be understandable
But I fully acknowledge both my actions and my God
And still I continue
Thinking it will mend a bit of the loneliness
Or at least cover it
But it doesn’t
And I’m never surprised
So I confess
Get down on my knees and say never again
And I mean it
But when I stand again
It’s different
I just want someone to hold me
To even talk about being with me
And I would trade communion with God
For something that petty
I long to long for the heart of God
But my longings lie uncontrollable
And I am helplessly bound to them
I plead with God to take control
To help me take control
But I can’t
The reins always slip from my grasp
And my hands, my mouth
Follow my wayward heart
How long will I be slave to impurity?
When beauty and holiness wait with open arms
I choose the darkened way
Forgive me, o my God
Forgive me
I confess the grime encrusted on my heart
Needs to be scrubbed off
By your hand
No matter how much it hurts
And it will hurt
I will be lonely
I will be hungry to be touched
I will want desperately a companion
That will always audibly answer me
Even though my mind knows
The alternative is better
Forgive me when my heart
Doesn’t think you’re enough
I offer the hurt
That will come with purifying fire
As penance
As sacrifice
As a gift
Because I am incapable of offering holiness
Forgive