Before I spill this lemme say I am truly grateful okay? I would rather be here than bobbing around in hotels as I have for the past week unless it’s to do with work then I have no joy. I think everyone is fine but I also think some things are really weird. And because I haven’t been the best this is really getting on my nerves. I’m obviously going through a rough patch so naturally I would be irritable. I think most people don’t get that but if I don’t have self-compassion, self-care, and self-kindness for myself and put myself first then who will? Also I have a fever/chest infection and I’m on my period plus just having 3 weeks of staying put which is actually really healthy. (Me three weeks ago vs me in two days time – total difference) I write to get it out – get my emotions out so technically in two days time this probably won’t mean a thing. Right now I want my body to stop feeling a rainforest and just eat and sleep for the next few days.
1. I like kids. i have a soft spot for them. They’re cute, fun and hilarious and they get your mind off life stresses’. their innocence is supposed to be protected. but 1) But I don’t want my own. That life isn’t meant for me. Ever ever ever. So, if I muck in or interact then it’s because I want to, have a spare moments and it’s fine. I don’t want a child developing a blueprint that I’m their mum. I keep that psychological and civilised boundary in tact. If a child has a natural pull towards me or its mutual then that should be supported but not suppressed. Because 2) I don’t steal other people’s children. That’S fucked up and mentally retarded. I’ve always seen myself as the cool aunt, the big sister, the occasional babysitter or yes, I am a godmother for my friend’s kids! I suppose I have this eternal sense of fear that someone out there wants to get me married and have kids i.e. Pressure it. But I know it’s always my choice. a big resounding no. I’m also losing my marbles being cooped up (gotta pull through) and because I’m ill might mean something as well.
2. I get on better with guys or people from my generation so I’m actually glad to be sharing a floor with the two people now. (Thanks for putting up with me) I was always close to my dad and I have two younger brothers. I was never a mothers girl which is probably why a majority of older women annoy me so much. I find them reeclaiming a time that is well gone, try too hard, pretended to be something she is not. my own mother is extremely immature and dramatic and conniving always needed something going on I could never take her seriously which is why I always seemed to be baffled why her and I never got on. she always had it out for me, or sincerely believed that her and I could be close despite her lack of self awareness in our differences and safe to say I just let her be in the end. You can’t change people like that. I have always been a daddy’s girl, a big sister, and gal’s gal. That’s set straight. Off my chest, phew that was better.
3. I just realised I’m really ill. And my head is filled up, knotted.
4. I have a lot of stuff to sort out. So, it’s a lot of unfinished things.
5. I am going to destroy the people responsible for this, I figured it out completely, COMPLETELY what the f*** happened and I am on a war path. (let it out) my mind has sobered up. Why the duck would you do something like that? Jealous 🙂
6. I regret ending up here in an OVER ARCHING sense not literally. So this time is measured.
7. Be kind to everyone, they are all going through a battle. And I always try by absolute best . You salty , a hater or whatever urban language there is for idiots go away.
8. Mornings / afternoon when I get up. Are for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
9. Something is going down and I don’t like it. Unless I have lost my marbles. I think I’m just ill.
Urghhhhhh, chest infections.
10. You are the equivalent of the people you surround yourself with. I was looking at someone’s work achievements (someone really close) and I realised my standard of ‘normal’ I stick out like a side thumb here 🙁