being raped…is like a mad scream in your head saying let me out of here!!! and broiling fear that makes you shake, feel weak an numb, like having a virus creep over your body. its so much fear you are lying frozen as if dead, while the virus takes your soul. you drift to somewhere else and be someone else while its happening. you scream in your head “no” you wonder should you put up a fight??? you know you don’t want to go that far. your scared cuz its the first time you’ve had s** or gone that far to trust a man.
its like this thunder bolt pain in your dead when its all done and you know its all been wrong…the bolt of lightening hits your head and you can’t breathe, you begin to chock – you feel real terror – look what its done to you, its crying shame…suddenly theres nothing but black darkness and you think your dying.
you fade in and out of consciousness sort of seeing flashes of light and hase and fear, and your down on the floor so helpless at their mercy
you wonder why you are here with this … strange man you dont know that well, he is a stranger to you-and there’s blood coming out your v***** and on the floor. you feel ripped apart from within. and you wonder why you let him get so far with you. you wonder why it had to happen.
you put it down to neive shyness and vulnerability and hope you can hide it… pretend its not so bad and it happens all the time. try to convince yourself that this is what adult love is and your just childish wanting romance and affection – you feel like a h*****, trash, a **** or *****. you’ve been used, and done over and theres nothing anyone can do, cuz people have covered it up and will protect them. you’ll be to blame and outcast.
you feel shame, that you are bad and had it coming being so nieve, and little girl for so long. you know you were a virgin for too long anyway. and your evil twn and uncle and family who abused you as a child over and over again delight in your pain and shame. some how it makes them feel better about who they are.
silly little virgin, been bashed and kicked and someone tried to run me over to win the hero of your dreams who turned out to be a turip. I was a wreck before the r***, a wreck over child abuse, s** abuse, the house fire and my grandmothers death, and loosing out on love with this american guy.
you do your best to cover the pain and shame and say to yourself “well, you got what you deserved dog!!! and its not like many nice guys were knocking on your door when you were a teen or early twenties.
as a 27 year old virgin being raped I felt shame not just for the r*** but because I was still a virgin and I know I was a fridget unattractive girl. I feel shame and embarrassment – cuz a young man you liked called you a lesbian and my therapist told me I was a s******* lazy girl and no man would ever love me til I barked like a dog, and I had to prostitute myself thru life and have s** out of anger not love. she said I had to go through all this and I;d end up a phediphile and a bumm on the streets…sure messes me up. LIKE IS THERE NO ONE AROUND ME WITH ANY SENSE AND SENSITIVITY FOR OTHERS- its been 10 years now since that r*** and I haven’t had a man since. the only men that touch me up are my uncles, g**** and shoving things up my dress to my g******* at parties and cuz he’s such a big aggressive violent man everyone is afraid to take him on. he frightens me cuz he is so huge and aggressive and loud.
I feel strange about s**- being raped and s******* abused as a little 5 year old little girl as made me feel so dirty, strange and weird… I have panic attacks when I am around men and fear love even from a handsome man and dread being bashed and taken over and over powered again by that type of person or like the old smelly man that abused me. I try hard to not see men like these types, or others who’ve molested me. sometimes its hard to separate the two. The specialist (nic) at the hospital said to me – “you may have wanted to feel affection or closeness but you said it in your own words “it wasn’t what I wanted”…you just didn’t know how to stop it happening once it started.
I was afraid to leave even though I wanted to go and I didn’t know what to say – would he have gotten violent if I’d said no stop!!! I’ve never done this.
he never asked if I was a virgin. he didn’t care. he showed no feelings at all. he was like a slab of cement…he never said anything like love.
he made it clear he was doing me the favour and he had a wife and had had heaps of affairs and left a woman at the alter.
he offered me alcohol and that was the problem.
I didn’t like the feeling of him touching me not feeling anything for him emotionally, and the feeling of ***** and and the way he controlled me
and fuckked me in every place in that room he could and in any position. he was strong and powerful and I was weak physically and emotionally.
he even did it a*** and I didn;t like that, never asked did I want it or never asked what I like physically, never spent anytime waiting or asking it was just, sort of in a hotel room and within twenty minutes fuucking. I chocked on it because it was all new to me.
what else can I say. I think I had a stroke and lifes been hell ever since failing law school and having insomnia and loneliness. physically pain. shame and embarrassment. who would believe me anyway. it was like a d********. you sort of know the person but you don’t.
its just all a repeat of what my uncle and great uncle did as a child. and the film group. I feel like a child and feel like a huge gap of my life is missing, just as the moments I was out cold on the floor are missing. and I fear that headache again. i fear a stroke. trauma can cause stroke and heart attack – I have had several cardio graphs since and ultra sounds and I do have a minor heart condition.
why did it happen???
i MET THE R***** AS KEN CAREY ON THE HMS MELVILLE IN JULY 2000 AND HE DATE RAPED ME LIKE I WAS A H***** AND I WAS A VIRGIN … HE SAID HE WANTED TO TIE ME TO THE BED AND R*** ME AGAIN IN MELBOURNE. I felt trapped by this guy, baffled and confused after the stroke and I am glad I got away… he should be in jail and all the people who allowed the r*** to happen should be punished harshly ….