I was always told to put myself last by catholic nuns and teachers. I think I have done that with honors. If I have excelled or failed its all due to that doctrine that was forced onto me. I think its made me an exceptionally bitter person underneath who smiles to hide the misery within. that is my main reason I resent certain teachings in Catholicism.

there is a time in every persons life when you say, its is not right to be selfish about possessions, or love, or whatever…to want and get too much of one thing. but better to have a rounded mixture of things that make a good person whole. and it is just not right either to have too much of nothing. to be too selfish or too selfless is just as much a sin to me.

I have gained abundance in some things (like my cats, doing courses, yet many I have not completed due to assault or s***** assault and nervous breakdown, or clothes that came too late in life to appreciate) and completely barren in other things like love or friends or health needs met. I have never had a nice looking young boyfriend (the closets to that was a guy who I went to college with who I met after I was raped and that never went far and was never going to work out) , I have never been married, I have never had a holiday or a baby, I have a really successful career to be proud of, never owned a house or anything. what ever I got came too late in life and was not really right for me, much like the men.

you wonder why I am numb and underneath there is this bitterness I hide to the world, and hold the things I love most very quietly and deep within.