I don’t understand what you’re doing or what your goal is. How can you cry to someone else about not getting to hold your son but haven’t made any efforts to even ask how he is? To video chat? When you lied to others about not knowing where he is when you did and do? Was I right at the beginning when wondering if you really wanted the responsibility of being a parent? You stated so many times that you hate responsibility and didn’t want it…
I should have listened.
What do you really want? You, not your parents (also ignoring him) or your friends or your girlfriend. You.
If the answer is the best for him then please continue your absence.