finally understanding the motivation behind these posts that used to frustrate me. you have to get it out of your brain.

i’m pretty young, and have a lot of medical debt. that never really bothered me. i’ve been in and out of hospitals since i was a teenager for mental health issues. for the first time i’ve been able to hold down a job for more than a few months, but i was recently hospitalized again for two months and am still reeling over the loss of that. it is a minimum wage position but eight paychecks is a lot of f****** money. i owe my family, my roommate, my friends. i can’t borrow any more. i’ve never paid taxes so getting assistance with my medication has been difficult. A i’ve +i need to, alwaysintendedto but it’s like i can’t make my brain take the steps it needs to do what i have to to do anything more than get by. i’ve even borrowed money from a group i’m with that doesn’t know i’ve borrowed it. i’m drowning and anxious and can’t tell anybody. and yesterday the government sent me a letter saying it wants money right now too. it’s not much, but i have nothing.

so i’ve arranged to meet with someone tonight to have s** and get paid for it. i’ll have to do it a lot more. i’m not a s*** woman. i found myself negotiating for my own body. humiliating. i’m starting to think this may end up being the push i needed to just go ahead and kill myself like i’ve been going into debt trying not to do.