I grew up with a not so normal childhood which has made it hard for me to relate to society. I honestly don’t know exactly what happened to me because I’ve blocked the majority of it out unconsciously, but I am terrified of my mother and sort of scared of my father as well.

I do know and remember that my mother was physically abusive and both my parents were possibly s******* abusive. I try not to think about it, though several events pop into my head when I mention the abuse I went through and then everything gets fuzzy or black as I think about why I had to sleep with the light on or events in my mother’s bed. I kind of like not remembering all the details, but I think not knowing is messing with my personal relationships and friendships.

I would like to talk to people on here or perhaps a counselor who won’t make me feel like a victim, because I don’t think hearing sympathy is helping me. Obviously my body responded positively enough that whenever the thoughts occur I am turned on and which is why I’m so confused. I think being told how wrong my parents possibly were only feeds that confusion. I feel wrong as well for possibly liking it, maybe enjoying it yet knowing that I shouldn’t which made me not trust them. I don’t know if I did emotionally enjoy it, I mean probably not because I tried my best to get as far away from them as possible after graduating high school. I don’t speak to either of them now because it’s just too awkward and I haven’t seen them in person in the last four years. I feel as if they’re not even my parents, were never my parents. I also feel like I have no one to talk to or get advice from like other young adults.

I just feel so lost now and unloved. I keep making stupid mistakes which only seem wise right before I do them, sometimes I do them knowing how stupid they are, but it seems right to me – I’m mostly talking about having s** with strangers I meet online or at the club. And to top everything off, my s***** fantasies involve me being molested or raped (not usually by my parents, but lately my mind has started to convince me that it’s okay to fantasize or remember what happened to me with them). I feel like a sick f*** for admitting that and don’t believe I want to feel this way, but I’m sure I want them back in my life again. Maybe I’m trying to make my past seem normal – like I wanted it all along and if they loved me in that way then I should be fine with it as long as I can be part of the family again.

Okay, so having those fantasies also feels good physically because I get so vulnerable, especially when I’m with someone who is into being the raper or playing the role of ‘mommy’ or ‘daddy’ s*******. I really get into thinking of the person as my actual parent. Afterward I feel like complete s*** and try to distance myself away from the raper, mommy, or daddy even though I may have been the instigator or suggested they play the part. Then I become more depressed and suicidal, lock myself away in my apartment and don’t go anywhere unless I really have to. I have hardly any friends left because of this vicious cycle I’ve been putting myself through ever since I left “home”. I just stumbled upon this site so I don’t know if I’ll get any sound advice here, but I’m open to hearing what others have to say and perhaps talking to those people who understand where I’m coming from. Please don’t be cruel in your comments, I really need help. Thanks.