I hate my mother. I can’t wait for her to die. She’s been mentally ill all my life. What angers me is that she refuses treatment and I’m stuck looking after her. I cannot send her to an institution, or a psych ward as she will escape and I’ll have to clean up the mess. Today she did something crazy and I told her that her own family hates her. I’ve said many cruel words to her. Some might say it’s verbal abuse.The thing is… I don’t feel guilty. I don’t care about her. I told her I’m waiting for her to die. And she’s not completely out of it that she doesn’t understand me. She knows. I’ve stabbed her with cutting words so many times I might as well be a murderer. Sometimes I just enjoy bullying her. I don’t hurt her physically, but I dominate our home life. I make her feel like s***, because she was and is a horrible parent. And because I enjoy making her feel like s***. I’m worried that I’m turning into a monster. I used to pray for a quick death for her. Now I actually hope she suffers great pain before her death.

I don’t know how to let go. I can’t find the desire to be compassionate to her. I just want her gone.