I sometimes feel alone in the situations I put myself in. I often blame myself because who else could bring things upon myself but me. I may complain about people, like everyone does, but in the end, it’s my own fault for letting things get to me. I’ve found myself wondering again and again who I am and even at 21 years of age, I still don’t know. When I was younger, I was never really happy with who I was…I was awkward. Fat. I didn’t feel good. Since I’ve started college, I’ve had to deal with the deaths of close family members; my grandpa and my beloved dog in August 2011. And my great grandmother and my other dog early this year. Between these hard times, I had managed to make myself a new person for the most part…I had lost a lot of weight, I felt good, but I don’t think my friends really liked it too much…thought I was showing off. I was, but not to be spiteful toward them at all. I was happy. I met the man I’m sure I’ll be with for a very long time this past year and I got a job. Things were going great…until I quit dieting. I’ve slowly gained the weight back and I’m starting to feel exiled from the few friends I’ve had. Sure, the majority have left to better places, but the few near have been doing their own thing…and I feel left out. My brother’s here, as well as my boyfriend, but there’s only so much they can fill up before I feel alone again. I tell myself not to be greedy…not to feel so out of place because I am loved and all that. But when one of your best friends gives you the same look he gives to people he really only tolerates, well…sometimes it just hurts. In order to finish out my college experience here so that I can transfer to a bigger place, I had to get rid of my music classes…and music is what I love. I know the reasons for why I feel so bad is because I haven’t been healthy in things that I do but I wonder if I’ll keep feeling lonely. It’s hard to smile when the things that make me upset can’t be shared with people. Because I don’t want to come off as someone who’s overly needy. I can’t say that I over share, though. But as of right now…I’m not happy. Physically, I feel disgusting, so I eat that much more to drown the feeling away. Mentally, I’m exhausted, so I sleep and keep to myself about what’s on my mind. And emotionally…I have to strain sometimes. It’s no fun…I wish I could just wake up and feel better, but I know the saying…Rome wasn’t built in a day. And I can’t get better within a week…or even a month. But some time soon, I will start getting better. I just have to pick a day and do it. Right??