I have been recklessly f****** random guys I meet on the internet. I lie about my age and I lie about my name. I hate it, because I don’t even like it. I found out I actually hate s** and it disgusts me. Not just s**, but kissing too. I did it in the hopes of seeming more normal and trying to “fit in” more. I am also, extremely young to be doing that. I am in high school and I went after some guys that are older than twice my age. I have stopped mostly, but I never got the courage to tell anyone and I feel like I should. I need to stop this 100%. I have never cheated on my boyfriend and I have stopped ever since we started dating. He’s disgusted by those things just like me. But the thing is, I feel like he’s lying to me constantly (he admited he is) and I feel like that might just be another one of his lies. So, I kissed him in the hopes he was only shy. I feel like a horrible person because I hated it and he hated it too. And I forced him to do it, more than once. I literally am such a burden to him. He also does not treat me well most of the times, being indifferent when it comes to me. But I just can’t break up with him. Yet, we both know how toxic this relationship is. I go out, drink, smoke, beat up people while he’s home sleeping or doing his homework or playing games on his computer like a normal teenager would. Seriously, I have no idea where my life has come to. And not just that, but I also think I have been trying to sabotage myself just so I can commit suicide. Once everybody hates me and I hate myself too, I won’t have a reason to not do it. Then, I’ll just be able to “restart”. I don’t know in what I believe religiously, but I think I want to reach a point where anything, even nothingness or hell is better than staying here with myself.