i dont know

When I was in elementary school, I didn’t feel like I was a part of the group that my friends were in. We only had a few kids in our class, and so if you weren’t close in 3rd grade, you most likely wouldn’t be friends in 5th. I had a really good friend, from kindergarten to 3rd grade. She and I were best friends, my family treated her like another sibling, because at the time, we were sisters. I knew that we wouldn’t be friends forever like we’d been saying, as our goals were in just very different spots. But instead of growing apart as I expected, I was ditched for the rich ringleader of the playground. That sounds stupid, and looking back I can laugh, but the subconscious repercussions of being told that the person who made me feel worthless day after day was the person my sister had chosen to spend her time with, hurt. I wasn’t treated very well from the people in my class after that. I was a pushy, bossy little girl, but I don’t think being overly competitive in kickball warranted the consequences of being ostracized from a group of vindictive nine-year-olds. A few students joined our class later, but the majority of them tried very hard to fit into the molds that I couldn’t manage to squeeze into. I tried for years to fit into that mold. No matter how much I tried to follow, and listen, and share sympathy for the drama of 4th grade, my suggestions were shot down with passive aggressive comments. So I became a loner. And now, as a freshman in high school, I don’t know how to have good friendships. I panic whenever I think someone thinks something, and I try so hard to please people. I don’t trust my closest friends. Don’t get me wrong, I know for a fact that they are great people, and I love them a lot, but I’m not myself around them. I don’t try to be this way, you know. I don’t trust my intuition about people, and my trust can still be taken advantage of, because I don’t want people to feel the way I did. This all changed when I moved to the high school. In 7th grade, I met my best friend.