I have a lot to say… I’m a week away from being 18 years old and I feel that I’m screwing everything up. I’ve made a lot of mistakes with school and with my grades and my senior year I dropped out of high school. I was going to get a GED, but my mom convinced me to go through a flex program that would get me a diploma, I just had to pass some tests and take a government class. I don’t really know why I decided to quit, I think it was a mix of laziness and nervousness. Mostly laziness though. And now I have to get a GED. I’ve never had a job (I’ve babysat for family before but that doesn’t really count), I can barely drive, and I never go anywhere. I think it’s gotten to the point where I’ve developed some kind of social anxiety. I don’t like to leave often. I’m so self conscious that I just want to stay shut away. I don’t even feel comfortable working out with my family around or even going on short walks. I worry that I won’t be able to get over this and I’ll never be able to get my life started…. Another thing about me is that I feel that I need to have someone. I’ve stayed in relationships where I was mistreated and unhappy just because I didn’t want to be alone, I’ve stayed with people even after they said they didn’t want a real relationship with me. Even if we aren’t in a real relationship, I’ll take a friend with benefits or a friend that just talk to in a more than friendly way over nothing. And even though I’ve only had one person that I really loved, I’ve slept with six different guys since I was 14. I’ve slowed down a lot over time though. 9th grade I slept with four guys and then the other two were a year apart and now its been over a year since I’ve slept with anyone, and even though I know I’m not bad like that anymore, I still feel self conscious about it. I feel that if I told people I was like that, they’d think I was a bad person. I feel like I’m terrible and ugly and a loser. I’ve dealt with depression on and off since 7th grade and I’ve even tried to take my life before, and with everything that’s going on now (family problems on top of the feelings and things I mentioned) I’m beginning to feel that way again. I don’t like feeling like this, it makes me wonder if I can even trust myself to not give up. I don’t know if anyone can understand what I mean and how I feel, I know that sounds stupid but I feel alone.