Maybe it’s the night. Maybe it’s fatigue. Maybe it’s just having a moment alone..to think. You ever been so in love with someone that their whole world becomes your world? That without realizing, their aspirations are aspirations you make to help them reach their goals..forgetting your own dreams and ambitions. That is what my life has become. I love them. Hopelessly in love, more than I have ever been. I guess this is why it hurts. Because even when I tried to get them to understand, even when they said they did…they don’t…or won’t.
Is it wrong to still want a life that is mine? Is it wrong.. to want to forge my own dreams? Why the double standard? Plans we made together they go off on their own to do alone, leaving me feeling jilting… hurt. It’s fine for them, to do what they want.. to make their own plans. When I try to share my goals, my intentions, surface level they say they support me, but behind my back they tell others something differently. Feeling as though because I want to work on bettering myself that somehow deducts any love I have for them. I can be gone a day and they make me feel..so guilty. As long as they get to have fun, they can go days and even weeks without spending quality time with me and I have to be the understanding one. How is any of it fair?! Am I crazy? Am I wrong? Am I selfish?
They expect all of me, to be their support, their cheerleader, their comfort to fuel their ambitions and I do so gladly. But now… I hurt. I have invested so much time into their wants and dreams and I feel mine slipping away… what do I do? And why does my heart continue to break? I feel he is slowly moving farther away and I am being left behind. I wish I could silence these fears..and my tears.