I have to control my anger towards my best friend that is about to give birth to her second “opps” baby. I have to remind myself that I should be happy for her and that it isn’t fair to ruin such a beautiful time with my pain. Each month passes, doctors appointments come and go, medicine is taken, diet is watched, extra exercise and water are added, and I take my multi vitamin. Fear that my husband will leave me floods my head. I sink down into this abyss where I realize that my body doesn’t perform the one function that it was biologically programed to do millions of years ago. It becomes sickening how many babies there are everywhere you go, how every shopping trip takes me past a shop with tiny socks and caps in neat rows. Waiting for a baby… but not my baby. How can you love someone so much who you have never met and may never get to meet? I want to give up but I don’t want to give up. It could take years if ever and each month the rollercoaster begins again.
