I’m in a hospital room. Three days ago I was so depressed at being alone, I tried to castrate myself.
I love her, I will always love her. What hurts to my bones is that she still loves me, she tells me all the time, but she is so bipolar that her mood fly all over the place, and it’s impossible to have a steady consistent relationship with growth. And I’m the one who won’t jump back in, for better or worse. But I just don’t have the heart for anyone else and I’m tired of crying, tired of the emptiness, tired of her communicating with me like there’s no issue between us, and that we’ll be ok in the long run.
To what end? I can’t see happiness, ever. So I tried to get rid of what produces the hormone that makes me love, desire. I wasn’t successful,I just put a really large gash in my scrotum and cut some blood vessels and tubes, i had a couple
surgeries and finally got moved to a regular room. No psych hold or anything, I told them a b******* story about an accident with my xacto while cutting a stencil. I’m worse off with no resolution. How can I chemically castrate myself?
All Comments
research it – castration won’t remove the desire. the desire will still be there afterwards, even romantic desire. also, that part of your body doesn’t make you love; it’s deeper than that. Even castrated people love. attachment pain won’t be automatically healed by castration.
please remember hope is more than a feeling
we hate it sometimes – because why should hope exist when everything is going wrong; it shouldn’t at all!, we say, why? why would it?
but the answer is the very reason why we scream at it
we wouldn’t scream unless it’s real/we know it’s real
if it wasn’t real there would be nothing to scream at
I’m just sharing something I’ve thought about/come to a conclusion on after feeling like there was no hope
Maybe you’ve given up on hope/something good coming about, but that doesn’t mean it can’t – like (I’m talking from personal experience now) like what Danney Gokey said in ‘Hope in Front of me’ and ‘Haven’t Seen it Yet’ songs – I feel like his story and beliefs and words have truth in them.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, I know I don’t have the ‘perfect’ advice but I want to help
maybe you should find a community – even if it’s a really really small one of a couple people – who are mature and caring enough, who can talk to you about these hardships (or not if you don’t like that idea of conversation) or who can do both joy-building and peaceful things with you and her, and become that emotional anchor for you both, to support you both in this
if you don’t have people around to talk to/do stuff with, maybe go and do some helpful things for other people, maybe even with her (like serving old folks or homeless people), if she’s that type of person; all that builds joy (which helps with emotional strength-building).
or, if that’s not the case, maybe do some joy-building stuff with her and some relaxing activities too, to balance; she sounds like she could use it too
(sorry – I know I’m using a ton of vocabulary about ‘joy’ and ‘joy-building’ – it’s because I read about something called Life Model that talks about joy, strength, religion, and science www. lifemodel.org/download/ICBC%202000%20developing%20capacity.pdf Maybe it can help somehow)
maybe talk to her about memories you both appreciate
maybe you can go to a therapist (if finances are a concern, there’s such a thing as free counselling, apparently, and anyone can look into it) or talk to a person who can help advise you in other ways too (e.g. calling the numbers online for anonymous callers to talk about these kinds of things), or talk to a trustworthy person
maybe you can write stuff in a journal (like you did on here) or write them to someone you trust
I’m sorry – I feel like I can’t advise in the exact way you need – but I hope you can take what you like of it and forgive me for the rest
Truly, I truly wish for things to get better for you and her, and for you to find peace, some kind of an anchor, even in stuff like this
Don’t forget that people do care