I don’t want s**. In the past I thought I was asexual, in the future I might want to have s**. I don’t want to do it now. There is no argument that will work. It is not something I need to “get over with” just to have done it. I’m fine with not having had i********** before now, and if there is a time I will want to do it, then mebbe it’s better to wait till then and I choose it when I feel better about the idea and the action.
I don’t know if I’m waiting for marriage, or just to make absolute sure I don’t have kids now, when I can’t care for them. Or I’m waiting for a time when I find work and save up some money to have more control over my life, then, to make that choice (though my boyfriend thinks that I just like saying NO all the time is cause it is one thing I do have control over in my life). Or if it would help if I got through this “functional depression” I was told I have by my psychologist from a Year ago, and I know still lingers with me… though it’s got to be at least half situational, that if I did something more with myself that I could have a better chance at improving my financial and emotional health, thus making me feel so much better about myself….
I don’t know that if I did finally choose to do it that I would want to do s***** things more often, that I’d think it feels good and enjoy the experience but still wouldn’t be as interested in it. Or if I’d want to do them all the time, then that I could. That I “unlocked that achievement” because I felt that I reached that stage that I could actually do it with somebody then. I don’t know.
I do however know that I rather not have the subject brought up all the time, or actually just about anytime, in the context of someone wanting to have s** with me. It doesn’t matter if it’s a boyfriend of months, or of years, cause I haven’t done it then and still don’t want it right now. I want to be left alone about it, I want to cuddle, hug, kiss, be cared about…. wonder if I am in denial about being asexual… at least it seems very possible to be able to use that label now… in the future I might not…
I did tell the current about my situation, my thoughts about s** and worrying about another putting pressure on me to do it… and mebbe he’s normal, and I know he shouldn’t worry or feel bad for wanting to… I probably should make a decision soon… or at least have another conversation with him about his… I don’t like getting upset when the topic is mentioned…