I’m angry at god.

I don’t talk to anything about it. People will judge me for being religious.
Religious people won’t care.
They will tell me to be grateful for what I have or that the problem is in myself.
And I’ve listened to this all of my life.
I’ve told this that the problem is in my self, or that I was being punished for my sins, when my grandpa molested and hurt me as a child.
I love god, and I hate him at the same time.
Because I’ve been called ugly, dumb, fat, ugly again, over and over again. People hurt me and they never answer for this.
I’m trying to be nice, and however I’m always being punisher or guilt pushed when I do something bad.
People who scared me for life, never answer for that, they always get away and it hurts me very much.