I know what I have to do to succeed in life and sometimes it feels like I might actually change. I might actually start to do better and like I’m finally on the right path to fixing my life but then I get so anxious that somethinf will wreck my progress that I end up getting in my own way and f****** up my life. I always turn back to drugs as if I’ve got it under control this time. But I always turn out worse than the last time. Keep telling myself I’ve got it under control but I never do. I crossed a line tonight. I got a spot and gave one of my rings for collateral.. Told him as I gave it to him if he loses it I would hunt him down and kill him. It was awkward but I still did it. I want to stop so bad but I never do. I’m so broken I want to go to rehab but I know I can’t because of how I live my life. I must work and keep up appearances. It’s how I was raised. I can’t bring this much shame on my parents. So I’m dying daily inside. Hating myself and my every move. Ugh I just want out. Free.